It didn't work

I got my period last night.  I'm going to call my RE and ask if I really need to go in for the beta on Wednesday.  I know she'll say yes just to confirm for their records that I'm not pg.  Oh, well.  I wasn't expecting much out of this cycle anyway, right? 

How do you know?

After my RE's DE talk, I've been thinking more about adoption. I signed us up for an adoption information session in mid-January. I also have a consult for a second opinion with another RE in mid-January, so I'm not ready to amove to adoption quite yet. I'd like to give IVF another try with a different clinic. I just keep asking myself how long I'm going to keep going. We have two friends who did 7 IVFs. They both got pg on #7. DH is stuck on that number, but both women had different issues than I do. They were able to grow follies and make it to ER every time. Both had poor egg quality and PGD was the answer for them. I probably have crappy egg quality too, but I can't even make it to ER, never mind having enough eggs to do PGD.

If we did international adoption from Guatemala or Vietnam, we could have a baby, likely under a year old, in a year to 18 months. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could see whether IVF will work for us. I hate to waste the time and energy and then still have to wait through the adoption timeline. The thing is that the longer this goes on, the less I care about whether I have a biological child. I just want to be a mom. Of course, I still cry watching A Baby Story, thinking I'll never get to experience that. I guess I'm all mixed up. How do you know when it's time to move on?

Hope springs eternal. . .

or as I like to think of it: she's a stubborn bitch. The chance of me being pregnant from IUI#7 after 6 unsuccessful ones, at my age with my FSH level., is minuscule. It's such a long shot. I know this. I'm expecting to get my period before my beta, as usual. I'm expecting that my appointment with my RE will be to discuss why another cycle failed. I'm expecting to keep my appointment with my new RE to discuss doing IVF again. I even had a glass of wine on Christmas Eve because I AM NOT PREGNANT. Then that tease, Hope, came back from the dead. I got crampy on 7dpo and what was my first thought? Not it's just my usual pre-AF twinges. Or it's a side-effect of the progesterone suppositories. Nooo. My first thought was maybe it's implantation cramping. For a moment, I pictured DH and I looking at two pink lines. What do I have to do to keep that bitch down?

I feel better already

I called today and made an appointment for a second opinion at another clinic. I go on January 15. I also called my current clinic and requested my records. I feel so much better already. The new doctor may recommend DE like my current RE, but I just feel more in control of the whole situation. I really liked the nurse. She gave me the number for her her direct line and she actually answered the phone both times when I called. At my current place, I pretty much always get voicemail and need to wait to be called back. I'm planning to schedule an appointment for a third opinion as well. Why not?

Unfair

My friend lost her baby today. Like me, she had an IVF converted to IUI. She got pregnant on IVF#2. I was rooting so hard for her during IVF#2 because it looked like her follies weren't developing quickly enough and she might have to convert again. I was so relieved when she made it to transfer and thrilled when she got her BFP. Now, it's over. It's all just so unfair.

Say what!?

I got a call from my RE this morning to talk about what happened to my cycle. She didn't have much in the way of explanations. She said we just don't know much about ovarian function and egg development. Then she brought up the idea of donor eggs. Yikes! That was not what I was expecting to hear. I got a little emotional. I just didn't think I was at that point yet. I made an appointment to discuss donor eggs with her if the IUI doesn't work out. I also emailed to schedule an appointment with another clinic. I need more opinions. I thought my RE would at least suggest trying the long lupron protocol which didn't work badly for IVF#1. I need to try that again before giving up on my own eggs.

If it does turn out I can't have a biological child, I'm not sure if I would use donor eggs. Even with insurance, there's a significant cost and I can't help but think we'd be better off putting the money toward adoption. I guess the new year will be full of decisions. Unless of course this IUI works. . .ha, ha, ha, ha.

Lucky #7

It's official. I just got the call that I need to convert to an IUI. It's scheduled for Tuesday. It was a nurse who called, not my RE, which I'm slightly pissed about. I know it's Sunday, but I've been seeing her for almost a year and a half, she's the one who removed my ovary, and she's the one who told me she's never seen this happen two cycles in a row. WTF?

Now I need to pretend like I think IUI#7 will work for us because God forbid I have a negative attitude. That might doom the cycle. I seriously don't think I can keep doing this.

Damn it

DH and I drove through a snowstorm today to get to my u/s and b/w appointment. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped (that is such an understatement). I have 2 follies now, a 20 and a 13. That's it. It looks like the 20 has become a lead follie and shut the others down. Again. I'm expecting my RE to call, or maybe the nurse since it's a Sunday, to advise me to convert to an IUI. Again.

When this happened last time, she assured me that it rarely happens twice. As a matter of fact, she said she's never had it happen two times in a row to a patient. I seem to beat the odds on a regular basis lately. I feel like I should play the lottery.

I was so hopeful on Thursday. I imagined getting 6 or 7 eggs at ER. I just knew this IVF was going to work. Damn it!

Quick Update: Slow and Steady

Slow and steady is my goal. I had my second follie check today. I now have 3 measurable follies: 10, 11.5, and 12.5. And I have 4 more under 10. My E2 went up to 260. I go back on Sunday for another check. I'm hoping the little four keep growing and the other stay close in size to each other. No lead follies, thank you. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll make it to ER this time with at least as many eggs as with IVF#1 and hopefully of better quality.

First Follie Check

I just got a message from the nurse about my u/s and b/w today. I'm progressing very slowly. I have 5 follies under 10mm on my right ovary. My E2 is 65. Basically I have nothing worthwhile at this point. My RE wants me to continue the lupron and follistim twice a day until Thursday when I go in for another b/w and u/s. I guess 5 unmeasurable follies is better than IVF#2 when I had one big one that was jumping into the lead right about now. It looks like we might have a blizzard here on Thursday morning-just my luck.

Oh, and I just found out that another woman I work with is pregnant. She's the one who, less than a year ago, said she never wanted to have one of those dirty things (a baby) in her house. Then she got a puppy and her maternal instinct kicked in. She's due in June. She told one of my close friends who then told me because she wanted me to have a heads up before the pg woman makes the big announcement at lunch. I'm going to practice smiling tonight.

Worry, worry, worry

Lupron is evil! I thought that since I was on the microdose version that I might not have the side effects I had for IVF#1, but instead they just took longer to hit. I get major dizziness and nausea from lupron It's kind of like being seasick. Luckily, it only last for a few days and it's pretty much over now. Unfortunately, it hit right when I had 20 progress reports due that I'd put off until the last minute. I finished them just in the nick of time. I only hope they make some sense to the parents and aren't totally loopy.

I've been having major anxiety for the past few days. I had been doing really well until then. I was taking things as they come and trying not to stress too much. All of the sudden, my mind has been racing away and I've been getting that knots in my stomach feeling. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a panic attack. Of course, it's all displaced anxiety. I'm not worrying about the IVF right now. I'm worrying about my DH and something happening to him-getting hurt by a bad guy at work or being in a car accident or just slipping on the ice. I'm worried about my mom. My best friend's mom passed away a few weeks ago and I think that's made me worry about my own mom's health. My mom is one of my best friends and she's an anchor for me. I can't imagine life without her. She keeps me sane.

The anxiety is getting to be a bit much and I hope it stops soon. I'd rather worry about the number of follies I have and my E2 level. I'm used to that. I have my first follie check on Monday so I'm sure the anxiety will refocus on my ovary soon enough.

Green Light

I got the go ahead to start this IVF cycle. The protocol changed slightly which is freaking me out a bit. I got the green light from a very long message left by one of my RE's nurses. She's new and I don't completely trust her. She also has a very think russian accent and I'm not sure if I heard her correctly. I'm usually really good with accents (unlike my mom,who I love very much, but who can't understand anyone who doesn't say "cah" and "pahk." She thinks the news anchors all have wicked accents.) Right now I think I'm too anxious to focus on my nurse's accent. I keep playing the message over and over to no avail. I have the RE's number set for speed dial on my cell phone and I'll be calling them tomorrow morning.

Getting the call that the cycle is a go has made me giddy. It's kind of like right before a first date-all excitement and nervous anticipation at the same time. It's just pure possibility. Of course, my last two first dates ended badly. I so hope this one works for us. Until my first monitoring appointment on December 10, I'm going to stay upbeat. Why not me, right?

Overindulging

I've been drinking a lot lately. I don't think I have an alcohol problem, but I am sensitive to the possibility because my dad is a recovering alcoholic who's been sober for 20 years now. I used to drink rarely just a few years ago. The problem is that having a glass of wine, or several, is one of the few privileges of not being pregnant, along with eating soft cheeses, processed meats, and sushi. I feel compelled to throw myself fully into these privileges. If I can't get knocked up at least I can drink my red wine and eat my bleu cheese and salami. I know it's not the best attitude, but it's the one I'm clinging to at the moment: I'm not jealous of you pregnant lady. Who cares if you have a baby? I have a spicy tuna roll.

Ho, ho, ho. . .$#*@

I put up my Christmas tree yesterday. I plan on decorating early this year and I have every intention of making my house look like a freakin' Santa's Village. I'm talking a wreath in every room, enough lights to see from outer space, 2 Christmas trees, Santa and snowman knick-knacks on every available surface, fake mistletoe, and trains. Yes, trains. My ipod has been fully loaded with holiday tunes for at least a week. I might even buy one of those inflatable snowmen or a motion-activated Santa.



I've decided that if I surround myself with Christmas kitsch and I just keep telling myself what a fantastic season it is, even though it's our third one TTC without a BFP, maybe I'll start to believe it. It's kind of like when I try to eat healthy and tell myself how much I like salads, really I do. I just love leafy green vegetables. Yum. Although, that's probably not the best analogy because really. . .I hate salads.



And right now I hate Christmas. For me the number of holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries that have passed since we started TTC is a harder number to face than the number of months. I guess it's because when I envision having a family, it's those special events I think of, or fantasize about. My fondest memories of childhood, of family, are centered around those moments. I want to bake gingerbread cookies with my child. I want to help my child make crappy paper chains and gluey ornaments to hang on the tree. I want to see my child's face light up on Christmas morning. Everyone else gets to do those things. When will it be my turn? (she says in a whiny voice)



That's one of the hardest parts about Christmas for me. Everyone's fertility, or lack thereof, is right there in my face. It's unavoidable. It comes in the mail every day in the form of holiday cards with the obligatory photos of all the kids. Look, this couple got married the same month we did and here's their 18 month old wearing a reindeer hat. These friends got married last year and here's their "new little elf." Opening each card is like a little stab to the heart. I should just let them pile up, yet I can't not open them. I must have some compulsion to torture myself. I think it's somehow related to the compulsion I have to check out posts on the WTT board. Why, why do I do it?!



After looking at all the "baby crying with Santa" photos, I always debate whether DH and I should still send out our holiday cards with the photo of our two dogs in elf hats. I adore our dogs, but every year the furbaby photo seems just a little more pathetic. And the chance to send out a photo of our baby crying with Santa seems that much farther away.



I really would prefer to skip December and go right to January. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is blissfully fertility free. Unfortunately, I can't do that so instead just pass me the frickin' ladder. I've got a neon sleigh and 8 reindeer to put on the roof. Ho, ho, ho.

Step right up. . .

I've realized that I have a lucky touch when it comes to helping other women get pregnant. Every time I counsel someone on how long it takes a normal couple to get pregnant or how to to chart or how to use OPKs. . .BAM, she's pg next cycle. It's happened four times already on a professional message board site I frequent. One had to resort to clomid when she realized she wasn't ovulating and got pg on her second cycle on the evil drug. The other three were worried about it taking a while and sought advice. All three got pg the next cycle. Yessirree, I have the magic touch for all but myself. I wonder if there's money to be made here. I could advertise that all someone has to do is talk to me and their chances of a BFP will increase ten-fold. It's got to be worth something. . .

Miracles happen. . .

Why do people think that telling stories about someone they know will give others hope? I just read a post about some woman's SIL on an IF board I frequent. Maybe I'm just cynical and bitter, but hearing about someone doing a few IUIS and getting pg does squat for me. I'm on IVF#3 and my ovaries are uncooperative yet again. But I'm supposed to feel hopeful because someone else got knocked up on IUI #4? I'm happy for the girl, but that whole "miracles happen, don't give up" crap is rubbing me the wrong way tonight. I wish I could think of something sarcastic to write back. Until then I'll just wallow in my bitterness until my attitude improves.

As you may have guessed, IVF#3 isn't starting off well. My RE's office called today and said my estrogen level was too high. The nurse said I won't get any good follies if my estrogen is too high. Now my RE wants to put me on birth control pills for a few weeks to suppress me. Then I may be able to start stims. I have no idea how the estrogen and suppression tie together. I was too shocked when the nurse called to ask any questions. I'm going to call back tomorrow for my bloodwork numbers and a clearer explanation. I was really looking forward to sticking myself with a needle tonight too!

Babies, babies, everywhere. . .

I'm not pregnant. AF kind of gave it away, but the blood test confirmed it last week. Of course, since getting my umpteenth BFN, I've been bombarded with babies: babies at Starbucks, babies in the news, babies in the lunch room. Along with those babies are stories of how quickly all their moms got pregnant-3 cycles, 1 cycle, 9 cycles. The 9 cycles probably felt like forever. Ha! Try 30+ cycles.

The only time I like hearing about someone's BFP lately is if it's one of my online IF friends. Their BFPS fill me with joy.

Cramps and Computer Problems

My computer is fried. DH brought it in for service because it was acting weird and the Best Buy people told him the motherboard is toast. They sent it to Gateway. It's been about 10 days since he brought it in and there's no sign of it coming back soon. It's amazing how much I depend on the stupid thing for my job and for keeping up with my online support group. I'm going slightly crazy without it. I neeeeeed it!

On the TTC front, I started getting the familiar pre-AF cramps yesterday. I'm 10 dpo and if I'm on the normal schedule then AF should show in the next 2-3 days. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I'm having some serious doubts that this IUI worked.

Tough Weekend

I spent the weekend at a wake and funeral for my DH's fellow officer. The whole thing is heartbreaking. I can't even begin to imagine his fiancee's pain. If it were DH, God forbid, I don't think I could do it. How do you go on with life after losing the person with whom you planned to spend it? Even if DH and I never have kids, at least we have each other.

Sad News

One of my husband's fellow officers was shot and killed yesterday. He was 30 years old and leaves behind a fiance. He was hanging out off-duty with some fellow officers . The shooting is still being investigated, but it looks like they had a confrontation with some local gang members who started shooting. It's just so sad. I don't usually pray much, but I am praying for him, his family, and all the officers involved.

I Got Spermed

So today was IUI#6. That's right, count 'em. . .6 IUIs! The nurse told me to "Think happy pregnancy thoughts" as she was injecting the sperm-like I haven't before. I don't think she read that I had already done it 5 times. That's the problem with my clinic. They're a little impersonal. Last week, the u/s tech started worrying b/c she couldn't find my left ovary. I don't have a left ovary. It was removed in January.

I've decided to not live the next two weeks in TTC Land. I have to use progesterone suppositories, but I'm not going to worry about what I'm eating and/or drinking. I've been so good about not having alcohol, artificial sweeteners, caffeine, soft cheeses, processed meats, etc. during every two week wait and it hasn't made a difference-except to stress me out. Although, I'm avoiding caffeine and artificial sweeteners for health reasons, I'm not going to worry about the rest. I mean, how many women get knocked up and don't know it for more than two weeks and drink like lushes and eat whatever they want? I'm going to be one of them.

My beta is on October 12.

One More Thing

What is up with all the women bringing their kids to their RE appointments and lab work? I know seeing the children should give me hope, maybe some of them were conceived with help from the RE, blah, blah, blah. All that happens for me when I see the woman with the twin stroller rolling into the waiting room is that I'm reminded of what I don't have. It's like me walking into a clinic for the visually impaired and going on and on about the beautiful sunrise I just saw. There was a couple waiting to get their blood drawn and she kept making googly eyes at the twins and smiling. I could tell that they were new to the RE, probably there together to have their virals drawn before beginning their treatment. They definitely didn't just find out from the clueless u/s tech that their second IVF is down the drain. I am so past the point of looking at other people's kids at the RE and thinking they're cute. It just hurts.

More of the Same

So it's been a while since I checked in last-like 6 months or so. What's happened in that time? My FSH level has tanked. I"ve had a failed clomid/IUI cycle, a failed injects/IUI cycle, and a failed IVF cycle. And yesterday I found out that my second IVF has to be converted to an IUI because one follie took the lead and took over. The IUI is scheduled for Friday.

It will be IUI#6 and I was sure I wouldn't do another. I knew the cycle would be converted after my ultrasound on Wednesday when the tech told me I had a 21mm follie and a 12 mm follie. She said cheerily that the 21mm grew from 17mm the day before and is definitely the dominant follicle. Obviously, she didn't read the notes that said I was doing an IVF cycle or she wouldn't have been so cheerful. Having a dominant follicle is very bad in an IVF cycle because it means the other follicles will stop growing. You want to have as many follicles as possible for IVF. So I wasn't surprised when my RE called me personally on Wednesday night. She said I could choose IUI or to just cancel. I was going to cancel until she told me that she has had several patients get pregnant after converting to IUI from IVF. Now I feel like I have to do the IUI because I'll wonder if I blew my chance for a BFP if I don't. This all sucks so much! I was all set to be positive about this IVF and now I'm trying really hard to be positive about a procedure that's already failed us 5 times. Oh well, I guess the sixth time is the charm. Or something like that. . .

Crazy on Clomid

I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know if it's the clomid or just an accumulation of the stress of the last few months. It took everything I had to get through this week at work. All I could think about was ttc, clomid, and FSH levels. Then on my way to visiting my niece's today I saw a couple walking on the sidewalk, pushing a baby carriage, with their two older children riding scooters ahead of them. I burst into tears. Something about that image hit me hard. I realized that will never be me. I'll be lucky to have one child, never mind three. I mean, I'll treasure the one I get but I always pictured myself with more. It's so hard to let go of some dreams. It's not like I ever had that family, but I still feel like I lost it. I feel like I'm grieving. This had got to be the clomid. Maybe this means it working.

Clomid Challenge

I wish that for once things could be easy. I began this week all excited to start a clomid IUI cycle. I went for my bloodwork on Monday and waited for the RE to call and give me the go ahead. She called, or rather her nurse did. It turns out that my FSH level is now borderline. So my clomid/IUI cycle has become a Clomid Challenge cycle. By next Monday, I'll have a better idea if I have a diminished ovarian reserve and if we need to get more aggressive in our approach. So I'm back to waiting.

Waiting to O

Last week I had my follow up visit with my RE and left feeling really positive. We decided I'll start clomid for my next cycle to see if that helps us. We'll trigger and do an IUI. I'll finally be on the juice. I just need to call when AF starts so we can get everything going. Great, we have a plan. . .

Except that I can't seem to finish this cycle. It's CD15 and there's no sign that I'm going to ovulate anytime soon. Mind you, I've always O'ed between CD10 and CD13, in all my cycles of charting. Granted, it's my first full cyle after having my ovary removed, but the remaining ovary was supposed to kick in. That's what my RE says happens-the one that's left takes over. I guess mine didn't get the memo that it's job description had changed. I was really sick last week when I would have normally O'ed, so I'm hoping that it's just delayed and it will happen by the end of the week. Until then I'm constantly peeing on OPKs in the hope to see a dark line and I'm waiting. . .

Lost and Found

I woke up and my left ovary had gone missing. Well, not exactly missing, it just wasn't where I had last left it-inside my body. It was on its way to be biopsied. I knew there was the possibility. You know the doomsday scenarios they have to go over before you have surgery: a 1 in 20, 000 chance they'll knick the bowel, a 1 in 40,000 chance they'll hit a major blood vessel. But the whole time they're talking about that stuff, you're thinking it really doesn't apply to you. I even signed a release giving them permission to remove my ovary if they found it necessary, but as I was signing it I remember thinking that it was just a silly formality. It was just a cyst. At worse it was endometriosis.

I had been looking forward to the laparoscopy because I hoped it would give me some reason why my DH and I hadn't been able to conceive after 17 months. Any reason was better than no reason. Instead, I ended up with one less ovary and waiting for biopsy results on the mucinous cystadenoma the doctors had removed. It was benign, but it took a whole week to get the news. While I was waiting for the results, I realized there are worse things than not being able to conceive a child-like a cancer battle. I discovered that the life DH and I have together is something to treasure even childless as it is at the moment. I realized that adoption is not such a bad option if my body is unable to bear a child because of cancer or because of no reason. Finally, it came to me that, even knowing all of those things, I'm still ready to jump through the fertility hoops necessary to have a baby. Crazy, huh?