Thursday, March 27, 2008

IVF. What IVF?

In so many ways I feel like I'm looking right past this upcoming IVF.  I've ordered several adoption books from the library.  I'm advocating for paid adoption leave at my work.  I'm wondering how long our wait will be.  I'm looking at adoption t-shirts and adoption announcements.  It's like I've already accepted that this IVF will fail, that I'll never be pregnant, and adoption is how DH and I will become parents. 

A very tiny superstitious part of me worries that this will doom my IVF cycle because I'm not thinking positively enough, but the rational part of me knows that's total nonsense. I was more positive than I've ever been during IVF#1.  I just knew IVF was going to be the answer for us.  I just knew that one of those two little embryos that I still have the photo of would implant.  I joked with DH about twins and loved watching him freak out just a little.  I could picture those 2 pink lines.  I was in NYC during the second week of my 2ww and  I imagined getting a BFP on an HPT at the hotel the day before my beta.  I could see myself  wrapping up the pee stick and giving it to DH when I got home (eeew, gross-I know).  But there was no second line, no BFP, and those little embryos disintegrated and went away with the next AF. Any part of me that believed positive thinking could actually make a difference went away with them.  

I was a little concerned that maybe this focus on adoption over IVF was unhealthy. But then I met with my counselor and she told me it was totally normal for couples facing the end of fertility treatments to be pursuing two paths at the same time.  She explained it as opening one door before another one closes.    That's exactly how I feel.  I need to know what my options are.  I hope this IVF works but the chances are so slim, less than 5% according to my RE.  A BFN will hurt, but it will be expected. The one thing I can't deal with is not having a Plan B.  

So I'll start lupron tomorrow and start reading Adopting the Hurt Child.  I'll attend an adoption conference and do stims at the same time.  I'll schedule a home visit and schedule my egg retrieval simultaneously.  Plan A or Plan B. . .both lead to parenthood.  And I know in the end whichever one is successful will be OK with me.  

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Wait until I start lupron!

I have been having some crazy dreams lately and I don't start lupron for another 9 days.  I thought I'd share two of the wackiest since they give some insight into my mental state at the moment.  

The first dream is a recurring one.  In it I walk down the hallway into our kitchen and I see a child on the floor.  He's about 18 months old or so.  For some reason, he's under the table behind one of the kitchen chairs.  I can picture him so clearly.  He's got chubby cheeks and dark curly hair.  He's got light olive skin and his cheeks are a little pink.  I know somehow that he really needs me so I bend down to pick him up, but I only grab empty air.  I look and he's on the other side of the table under another chair now.   I walk around to that chair and bend to scoop him up and he's gone again.  I see him across the table and go over there. . .and it just continues like that until I wake up in a total panic because I just can't get to him. I've named this one The Baby Beyond My Reach.

The second dream is newer and much worse.  In it DH is there and we're in the spare bedroom, aka the someday-baby's room, aka my injection center.  I'm stressing out about my IVF cycle and checking on my meds.  For some reason I'm obsessively counting and recounting the vials, pens, and syringes. Over and over I start to count them, but then I lose count and need to start again. DH is stressing with me (something he never does in real life).  

Suddenly I panic and run downstairs.  I remember that we already have a child about whom I'd completely forgot. We had adopted him from Vietnam.  I find him lying on the bathroom floor.  I think his diaper needs to be changed because he's wet and then I see that he's actually lying in a big puddle of water.  There's water rushing in through the basement walls, beginning to flood the room.  I pick him up and dash upstairs.  

The baby is weak and not moving much.  I realize that we haven't fed him in a long time because we've been spending so much time thinking about our IVF.  He'd just been lying there in the basement. Again, I feel panic and think we've killed  him.  I want to feed him but I just can't remember what babies eat.  Finally, I find some food that seems right.  I feed him and he looks better.  

Right then I leave for New York City for a conference.  I go and have fun, forgetting all about the baby. Then every once in a while, while I'm at a bar or having dinner, I'm seized by anxiety.  I remember about the baby and need to find a phone to call DH to remind him to feed the little guy.  Of course, there's no phone to be had every time and I'm a wreck.  Usually I wake up when I'm searching for the phone.  I've named this one  Out of Sight, Out of Mind.  

Can anyone say anxiety? And I'm not even on meds yet.  As a preemptive measure,  I think I'd better start listening to my relaxation CD twice a day.  What do you think?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

100 Hits

DH and I hadn't heard anything since we sent in our application about a month ago to adopt through the state. DH had called last week and left a message for the social worker just to make sure she got the application. I was worried that this was a sign of things to come. Our social worker finally called back today.

It turns out that when she entered DH's name in the children's services database they got about 100 hits on abuse or neglect cases connected to his name. Her supervisor had to open the file for each case that came up. After reading a few cases they figured out that, as a police officer, he's a mandated reporter and has filed a ton of Suspicion of Child Abuse complaints in his 15 years or so on the job. Even so, they needed to go through every case to make sure of his role in it. She was laughing when she told him about it today. I guess our case is the office laugh right now. Hey, at least she won't forget our names. It will be a few more weeks before we can schedule a home visit because they have to finish the background check now that they know he's not a serial child abuser.

In the meantime, she was really positive about our application. It turns out that she was married to a cop (from whom she's divoreced, but doesn't hate) and she's very down to earth. DH was joking with her about her white glove inspection and told her I'm going to be baking her a cake (I had heard that you should bake cookies before your home visit to make your house smell homey). She said she's coming to sit down with us to talk and doesn't "give a crap" if our house is white-glove-ready. That's my kind of girl. I'm feeling better about the whole process today.

Oh, and AF came today so I'll be starting lupron in 19 days. Woohoo!

Sunday, March 9, 2008


Don't laugh at me, but I'm going to try using a relaxation CD my new therapist suggested. It's called Relieve Stress and boy do I need something to do that. I told the therapist about my shade meltdown from a few weekends ago and she reassured me that I am not crazy. Actually according to her my emotions are perfectly normal and I'm actually doing fairly well dealing with this IF stuff. If I'm handling it well. I can't imagine what someone who is handling it badly feels like and my heart goes out to her, whoever she is.

We discussed my reasons for being there and what I want to get out of our sessions. I said all the usual things about coping with despair if this next IVF is a failure and dealing with the emotions of letting go of TTC. But I realized while talking with her that one of my biggest concerns is how to not let all of this failure color the way I live the rest of my life. More specifically, I don't want any child I am lucky enough to mother to be tainted by my brush with infertility. I don't ever want a child to feel like my life, his or her life, is an unfulfilled one, a disappointment. She reassured me that we will deal with that, but not right now. Right now we're going to try to work on dealing with the emotions of this next cycle and all it brings. I guess it's one step at a time.

In some ways I'm looking forward to, not dreading, this upcoming IVF cycle. It will show us what we need to do next. Hopefully, it will bring us some closure. I know that only time will heal the wounds infertility has given me, but time can only heal when we're done TTC. You can't heal bruises that keep being poked every day. Moving on won't be easy, but it can't be harder than living in this limbo. Can it?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My heart hurts. . .

I just found out that an internet friend of mine  lost her baby boy in utero at 35 weeks 5 days.  I am so sad for her and for her husband.  I can only begin to imagine the grief and heartache they are feeling at this moment.  Natalie was one of the first in our group to do IVF.  I remember following her cycles with excitement and anticipation.  She got pregnant on IVF#2 with a little miracle embryo.  It was the only embryo she had from that cycle and it was such a wonderful surprise when the little embryo that could implanted and became her little boy, Devin.  

I don't know how anyone recovers from a loss like this.  It's just so sad and incredibly unfair. Please keep Natalie, her husband, and her baby boy in your thoughts.