A very tiny superstitious part of me worries that this will doom my IVF cycle because I'm not thinking positively enough, but the rational part of me knows that's total nonsense. I was more positive than I've ever been during IVF#1. I just knew IVF was going to be the answer for us. I just knew that one of those two little embryos that I still have the photo of would implant. I joked with DH about twins and loved watching him freak out just a little. I could picture those 2 pink lines. I was in NYC during the second week of my 2ww and I imagined getting a BFP on an HPT at the hotel the day before my beta. I could see myself wrapping up the pee stick and giving it to DH when I got home (eeew, gross-I know). But there was no second line, no BFP, and those little embryos disintegrated and went away with the next AF. Any part of me that believed positive thinking could actually make a difference went away with them.
I was a little concerned that maybe this focus on adoption over IVF was unhealthy. But then I met with my counselor and she told me it was totally normal for couples facing the end of fertility treatments to be pursuing two paths at the same time. She explained it as opening one door before another one closes. That's exactly how I feel. I need to know what my options are. I hope this IVF works but the chances are so slim, less than 5% according to my RE. A BFN will hurt, but it will be expected. The one thing I can't deal with is not having a Plan B.
So I'll start lupron tomorrow and start reading Adopting the Hurt Child. I'll attend an adoption conference and do stims at the same time. I'll schedule a home visit and schedule my egg retrieval simultaneously. Plan A or Plan B. . .both lead to parenthood. And I know in the end whichever one is successful will be OK with me.