Thursday, February 1, 2007

Lost and Found

I woke up and my left ovary had gone missing. Well, not exactly missing, it just wasn't where I had last left it-inside my body. It was on its way to be biopsied. I knew there was the possibility. You know the doomsday scenarios they have to go over before you have surgery: a 1 in 20, 000 chance they'll knick the bowel, a 1 in 40,000 chance they'll hit a major blood vessel. But the whole time they're talking about that stuff, you're thinking it really doesn't apply to you. I even signed a release giving them permission to remove my ovary if they found it necessary, but as I was signing it I remember thinking that it was just a silly formality. It was just a cyst. At worse it was endometriosis.

I had been looking forward to the laparoscopy because I hoped it would give me some reason why my DH and I hadn't been able to conceive after 17 months. Any reason was better than no reason. Instead, I ended up with one less ovary and waiting for biopsy results on the mucinous cystadenoma the doctors had removed. It was benign, but it took a whole week to get the news. While I was waiting for the results, I realized there are worse things than not being able to conceive a child-like a cancer battle. I discovered that the life DH and I have together is something to treasure even childless as it is at the moment. I realized that adoption is not such a bad option if my body is unable to bear a child because of cancer or because of no reason. Finally, it came to me that, even knowing all of those things, I'm still ready to jump through the fertility hoops necessary to have a baby. Crazy, huh?

No comments: