Thursday, April 3, 2008

BFPs

Lately I've noticed that I just can't immediately send out jumping green men anymore when a BFP is announced, even if it's a fellow infertile making the announcement. Just a short while ago, I remember writing that I'm thrilled when a fellow infertile gets a BFP. Thrilled isn't the word I would use to describe my feelings anymore. I feel slightly ashamed to admit that my first reaction isn't happiness. Instead my reaction is to get the same pit I feel in my stomach when any BFP is announced, but maybe a little worse when it's an IFer. Why worse? Because I know that few infertiles will get pregnant, and it feels to me like my individual chances diminish with every infertile BFP that's not mine. Only so many people hit the lottery; if your next-door neighbor hits the jackpot doesn't it seem less likely that you will? 

I think part of my reaction to the recent rash of BFPs is that I'm feeling more and more on the outside on my infertility forums. Many of the women I started with on infertility forums have graduated to the other side. There are a fair number of us original members left, and our numbers are sadly always being replenished, but it just seems like every day more and more of the women who I've come to know and love are moving on up (insert the Jeffersons' theme song here). Maybe that's why these BFPs hurt rather than bring me joy. I'm very afraid of being the last one standing. Plus, I selfishly don't want to lose all of my friends.

I will say for myself that once I get over my initial reaction, I swallow hard and reply to the big announcement. I'm not unhappy for my infertile sister, just sorry for myself and where I stand facing the end of the ART road. I'm still not strong enough to send jumping green men. I hope a note of congratulations, and a lingering sense of shame on my part, will suffice.

6 comments:

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

I haven't been able to do jumping green men for a long time and have just stuck with a congratulations. Having now been the recipient of those jumping green men, I really don't distinguish between the type of congratulations bestowed. I am just thankful that someone even noticed and took the time to acknowledge. And in all honesty, the genuine excitement (even if I know it has to be bittersweet) from an infertile has moved me so much more than the painless happiness of the fertile world. I understand that it's hard to be happy for others and I understand that sense of dread. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way.

Mrslady1975 said...

Karen, I fel exactally the same way. I do feel happy for those women but get a pang of jealously. I have a hard time reading pregnancy blogs knowing that I may never have pregnancy blog. I do post happy thoughts and what not but don't feel very sincere anymore.

Em

Cindy Nguyen said...

I so so know exactly what you mean by this. I could have written this myself, but not half as well as you expressed it.

Lost in Space said...

Some days they are jumping green men and others they are green-eyed monsters. Only you have to know which one you are posting. wink. I think anyone who has dealt with IF can relate to some extent. I am not suppose to post from work so I generally get to see the BFP posts many hours before I can respond and it helps me to let another one sink in.

It's hard getting left behind time and time again. ((Hugs))

journey to junior said...

oh, yes, hon. i know EXACTLY how you feel. every last letter you wrote is the painful truth for me as well. and it feels awful on so many levels, doesn't it?

the best thing to do is admit it out loud. then will come acceptance (i hope).

also, i am feeling the same way about my online circles. the closer we move to adoption the more outside of the circles i feel.

if we move on with this journey in a similar fashion, we should make a new circle.

Freyja said...

I recently told my husband that "you know you've got issues when all you're "infertile friends" are pregnant... I feel ya. (HUGS)