Split Personality

I know my blog has had a split personality lately as I go back and forth between adoption and IVF.  I feel like my life is split in the same way.  On one side I'm feeling kind of, sort of hopeful about my chances of getting pregnant, which means I'm in a state of total denial. My chance of a BFP for this cycle, according to my RE, is about 5%.  That's a 95% chance of a BFN.  Yet, still that little twinge of hope has made an appearance. I've pictured the two pink lines and the call from a happy nurse, telling the people who love me, feeling the happy ending. I'm not blind to the fact that Mother's Day is just around the corner. Wouldn't that be perfect?

At the same time, I've felt incredibly sad this week. I feel like I'm in mourning. I'm grieving the pregnancy I may never have, feeling my baby kick inside me, my growing belly, the big ultrasound, the baby shower, the hospital, the breast feeding.  I've even sought out belly pics and u/s photos to give myself the chance to cry even more, like this mourning is something that I need to do.  I guess I'm just preparing myself for what I'll feel if this cycle doesn't work.  It's as though the possibility of never being pregnant is suddenly finally real to me.

Tossed in with all of that is adoption with its own set of feelings: hope that DH and I will one day get to be parents, sadness that it means our child will start off life with us having suffered loss already, worry that our child will somehow feel like second choice, fear of an adoption falling through, excitement for a process that doesn't involve injections, monitoring appointments, and monthly disappointment.  It's just another roller coaster, isn't it? 

Then there's always the possibility that my split personality could simply be the result of the massive amounts of hormones with which I'm injecting myself.  Hmmm. . .