Thursday, March 27, 2008

IVF. What IVF?

In so many ways I feel like I'm looking right past this upcoming IVF.  I've ordered several adoption books from the library.  I'm advocating for paid adoption leave at my work.  I'm wondering how long our wait will be.  I'm looking at adoption t-shirts and adoption announcements.  It's like I've already accepted that this IVF will fail, that I'll never be pregnant, and adoption is how DH and I will become parents. 

A very tiny superstitious part of me worries that this will doom my IVF cycle because I'm not thinking positively enough, but the rational part of me knows that's total nonsense. I was more positive than I've ever been during IVF#1.  I just knew IVF was going to be the answer for us.  I just knew that one of those two little embryos that I still have the photo of would implant.  I joked with DH about twins and loved watching him freak out just a little.  I could picture those 2 pink lines.  I was in NYC during the second week of my 2ww and  I imagined getting a BFP on an HPT at the hotel the day before my beta.  I could see myself  wrapping up the pee stick and giving it to DH when I got home (eeew, gross-I know).  But there was no second line, no BFP, and those little embryos disintegrated and went away with the next AF. Any part of me that believed positive thinking could actually make a difference went away with them.  

I was a little concerned that maybe this focus on adoption over IVF was unhealthy. But then I met with my counselor and she told me it was totally normal for couples facing the end of fertility treatments to be pursuing two paths at the same time.  She explained it as opening one door before another one closes.    That's exactly how I feel.  I need to know what my options are.  I hope this IVF works but the chances are so slim, less than 5% according to my RE.  A BFN will hurt, but it will be expected. The one thing I can't deal with is not having a Plan B.  

So I'll start lupron tomorrow and start reading Adopting the Hurt Child.  I'll attend an adoption conference and do stims at the same time.  I'll schedule a home visit and schedule my egg retrieval simultaneously.  Plan A or Plan B. . .both lead to parenthood.  And I know in the end whichever one is successful will be OK with me.  

6 comments:

Freyja said...

Karen I think you are very brave. I imagine looking at the prospect of not conceiving as a reality is very hard. After all, isn't that the big, intimidating fear lurking in the background of every IF woman's mind? And your standing before it facing it. That's so huge. I'm so very happy that you are able to see the destination beyond the clif and not get caught up on how to get there. I think it's amazing and beautiful. I can't wait to see the first picture of your child, however they come to you.

journey to junior said...

karen - i am so in the same place as you. i just asked DH yesterday "is it bad that i can't even say what i WANT to happen at this point?" when thinking about our last IVF in may vs. adoption. and really, i don't even know what i truly WANT anymore. and i wonder if i too am setting myself up for failure.

i'm glad to hear your counselor say this is normal. i'm not surprised, but it's nice to hear it from a professional.

i'm glad we are on this journey together. we seem to read each other's minds!

xoxox

Daisy said...

I agree that it's totally normal. Having adoption as a backup plan and waiting imo can help soften the blow should your IVF fail. Thinking about adoption and getting excited about it WILL have a positive impact on your IVF cycle anyways. Knowing that there is life after IVF, that everything is riding on this one opportunity is a huge load to bear. I say anything that keeps you happy and occupied with good thoughts should be marked as helpful.

Lost in Space said...

You have been through so much that your thoughts are only natural. In some ways maybe you are protecting yourself from disappointment, but it also shows that you have no hesitation for moving forward with adoption. You will be a mommy one way or another. Cheering you on for both plans. ((Hugs))

Barb said...

Sounds good! Your counselor sounds like she really knows her stuff! I need to find me one of those...

soapchick said...

I wish you peace and happiness on either path. Best wishes.