Don't laugh at me, but I'm going to try using a relaxation CD my new therapist suggested. It's called Relieve Stress and boy do I need something to do that. I told the therapist about my shade meltdown from a few weekends ago and she reassured me that I am not crazy. Actually according to her my emotions are perfectly normal and I'm actually doing fairly well dealing with this IF stuff. If I'm handling it well. I can't imagine what someone who is handling it badly feels like and my heart goes out to her, whoever she is.
We discussed my reasons for being there and what I want to get out of our sessions. I said all the usual things about coping with despair if this next IVF is a failure and dealing with the emotions of letting go of TTC. But I realized while talking with her that one of my biggest concerns is how to not let all of this failure color the way I live the rest of my life. More specifically, I don't want any child I am lucky enough to mother to be tainted by my brush with infertility. I don't ever want a child to feel like my life, his or her life, is an unfulfilled one, a disappointment. She reassured me that we will deal with that, but not right now. Right now we're going to try to work on dealing with the emotions of this next cycle and all it brings. I guess it's one step at a time.
In some ways I'm looking forward to, not dreading, this upcoming IVF cycle. It will show us what we need to do next. Hopefully, it will bring us some closure. I know that only time will heal the wounds infertility has given me, but time can only heal when we're done TTC. You can't heal bruises that keep being poked every day. Moving on won't be easy, but it can't be harder than living in this limbo. Can it?