Don't laugh at me, but I'm going to try using a relaxation CD my new therapist suggested. It's called Relieve Stress and boy do I need something to do that. I told the therapist about my shade meltdown from a few weekends ago and she reassured me that I am not crazy. Actually according to her my emotions are perfectly normal and I'm actually doing fairly well dealing with this IF stuff. If I'm handling it well. I can't imagine what someone who is handling it badly feels like and my heart goes out to her, whoever she is.
We discussed my reasons for being there and what I want to get out of our sessions. I said all the usual things about coping with despair if this next IVF is a failure and dealing with the emotions of letting go of TTC. But I realized while talking with her that one of my biggest concerns is how to not let all of this failure color the way I live the rest of my life. More specifically, I don't want any child I am lucky enough to mother to be tainted by my brush with infertility. I don't ever want a child to feel like my life, his or her life, is an unfulfilled one, a disappointment. She reassured me that we will deal with that, but not right now. Right now we're going to try to work on dealing with the emotions of this next cycle and all it brings. I guess it's one step at a time.
In some ways I'm looking forward to, not dreading, this upcoming IVF cycle. It will show us what we need to do next. Hopefully, it will bring us some closure. I know that only time will heal the wounds infertility has given me, but time can only heal when we're done TTC. You can't heal bruises that keep being poked every day. Moving on won't be easy, but it can't be harder than living in this limbo. Can it?
About Me
- Karen
- My husband and I started trying to conceive our first child in July 2005. Too many months to count, 5 birthdays, 5 IUI's, 2 IVFs, 2 IVFs converted to IUI, and less one ovary later, we stopped searching for one good egg. We decided parenting was more important to us than pregnancy. We adopted our son from foster care in 2010.
6 comments:
I don't have any answers to this. I'm still struggling with it myself. I do, however, believe that engaging in relaxation techniques can't be a bad thing.
"...how to not let all of this failure color the way I live the rest of my life".
I have the same thought also. I found your blog through Freyja's. I, too, worry that I will still be sad even with a baby in my arms. This is the worse experience of my life. I guess I am a bit lucky...in a strange way...sorta. Anyway, good luck with the relaxation disk. I have been using a few and they are very helpful. I especially like Belle.ruth Naper.stak. She has one specifically related to IF. I wish you all the best with your last cycle!
I understand your feelings. I think that if I were in your shoes, I would feel similarly. If I had done a few rounds of advanced ARTs with no success, I'd want to find out the for sure answer too. But that's not my situation. I've been sitting on the sidelines so long I seem to have forgotten how to play the game... but I remember the bruises. IF sucks balls. You know I really hope this cycle works for you Karen. Genuinely and truly from the bottom of my heart.
Forgive me for obsessively commenting on your blog... ahem:
"Long term goals are fine as long as you can reconcile the fact that they're not actually plans but more like suggestions. "
AND
"IF sucks but what sliver of good can I pull from it so that I don't see this time as a total waste"
I hate to admit it but the last few years have taught me a lot about patience and resolve. I have always been one of those NOW!NOW!NOW! people. But neither my husband's illness or infertility would be hurried. I am a control freak but those things would not be controlled. So I've had to learn to take each day as it comes and not expect it to be some specific thing. That is huge for me. I know it doesn't sound huge, but it is. And it has translated across many realms of my life.
For example, I've got a budget issue (on the order of magnitude of about $100K) on one of my large projects. I've known that there is an issue for several weeks but I haven't had specifics regarding what or how much. I waited for that information to reveal itself and have ALMOST everything I need to go to the client and make the request. I'm fairly confident that in the past, at the first sign of trouble, I would have been knocking on their door with inadequate information/explanation/resolution.
Recognizing that I don't have control over everything, all the time, has also been huge. We made one of the employees "Group Manager" last year but he would always come to me or my dad to ask us how to do things. I've started giving him information on HOW I would make a decision but sending him off without a clear answer. I'm trusting that just he is smart and hardworking (that's why we promoted him) and just because I didn't specifically control the outcome, that it can still be favorable.
I've also learned that in a long term relationship, like marriage, there will be good times and bad times and though it's not easy, the fact that we made it through is a testament to our commitment to one another.
These things are all somewhat intangible but still I think are good lessons to learn in life - necessary lessons that, the sooner you figure them out, the better.
So that's what I've learned from IF and even though I'd rather have not gone through IF, I think I'm a better person for it.
Your therapist actually sounds like a good one. GL with the relaxation!
If it works let us know! I'm always looking for a good, easy way to de-stress.
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