Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Wait until I start lupron!

I have been having some crazy dreams lately and I don't start lupron for another 9 days.  I thought I'd share two of the wackiest since they give some insight into my mental state at the moment.  

The first dream is a recurring one.  In it I walk down the hallway into our kitchen and I see a child on the floor.  He's about 18 months old or so.  For some reason, he's under the table behind one of the kitchen chairs.  I can picture him so clearly.  He's got chubby cheeks and dark curly hair.  He's got light olive skin and his cheeks are a little pink.  I know somehow that he really needs me so I bend down to pick him up, but I only grab empty air.  I look and he's on the other side of the table under another chair now.   I walk around to that chair and bend to scoop him up and he's gone again.  I see him across the table and go over there. . .and it just continues like that until I wake up in a total panic because I just can't get to him. I've named this one The Baby Beyond My Reach.

The second dream is newer and much worse.  In it DH is there and we're in the spare bedroom, aka the someday-baby's room, aka my injection center.  I'm stressing out about my IVF cycle and checking on my meds.  For some reason I'm obsessively counting and recounting the vials, pens, and syringes. Over and over I start to count them, but then I lose count and need to start again. DH is stressing with me (something he never does in real life).  

Suddenly I panic and run downstairs.  I remember that we already have a child about whom I'd completely forgot. We had adopted him from Vietnam.  I find him lying on the bathroom floor.  I think his diaper needs to be changed because he's wet and then I see that he's actually lying in a big puddle of water.  There's water rushing in through the basement walls, beginning to flood the room.  I pick him up and dash upstairs.  

The baby is weak and not moving much.  I realize that we haven't fed him in a long time because we've been spending so much time thinking about our IVF.  He'd just been lying there in the basement. Again, I feel panic and think we've killed  him.  I want to feed him but I just can't remember what babies eat.  Finally, I find some food that seems right.  I feed him and he looks better.  

Right then I leave for New York City for a conference.  I go and have fun, forgetting all about the baby. Then every once in a while, while I'm at a bar or having dinner, I'm seized by anxiety.  I remember about the baby and need to find a phone to call DH to remind him to feed the little guy.  Of course, there's no phone to be had every time and I'm a wreck.  Usually I wake up when I'm searching for the phone.  I've named this one  Out of Sight, Out of Mind.  

Can anyone say anxiety? And I'm not even on meds yet.  As a preemptive measure,  I think I'd better start listening to my relaxation CD twice a day.  What do you think?


journey to junior said...

oh, man, those are quite the crazy dreams! understandable, though, as you have a lot riding on this cycle.

thanks so much for the very true comments you've left on my blogs. i think we are really both at the same place in all of this. while it is not what we would have chosen for either of us, i'm glad that we have each other - and the fact that we've known each other now for over a year makes it so much sweeter.

Freyja said...

Wow Karen, those are some intense dreams! You are on a helluv an emotional ledge right now. Wish there was seomthing I could do. Yes, listen to the tapes. Try to find some respite from the circles your mind is running in.

Barb said...

Yup. Lots of anxiety. I always had that problem too, and it only got worse on meds. Ugh. Luckily some of my dreams were just damn funny and not upsetting.

Best wishes!

WaterBishop said...

Those dreams sound terrifying. I am so sorry you are having so much anxiety.*hugs*
I had this dream where i gave birth on a cruise ship. I kept losing the baby all over the ship and could never find her since she never cried. And people kept asking me why I hadn't named her and kept calling her Nameless Baby. I kept having these panic attacks from losing her.

Lost in Space said...

((Hugs)) on the dreams. I was anxious just reading them. It is so hard to just "shut off" all our thoughts and feelings of IF with treatments and paperwork and impending motherhood. You will be a great mother no matter how your little one arrives to you. I hope your dreams get better and your IVF goes off without a hitch. More ((hugs)).

catinbody said...

I've had almost exactly the same dream as "Out of sight, out of mind." In mine it ended with the paramedics taking the baby, finding out later that it had died, but that it died in utero, so it was in fact the birth mom's fault and not my own, which brought some relief, although it doesn't make any sense since the baby was like 18 months old before the paramedis took him. I'm glad I'm not alone with the crazy dreams--I take this to mean that neither of us are actualy crazy?