Sad News

One of my husband's fellow officers was shot and killed yesterday. He was 30 years old and leaves behind a fiance. He was hanging out off-duty with some fellow officers . The shooting is still being investigated, but it looks like they had a confrontation with some local gang members who started shooting. It's just so sad. I don't usually pray much, but I am praying for him, his family, and all the officers involved.

I Got Spermed

So today was IUI#6. That's right, count 'em. . .6 IUIs! The nurse told me to "Think happy pregnancy thoughts" as she was injecting the sperm-like I haven't before. I don't think she read that I had already done it 5 times. That's the problem with my clinic. They're a little impersonal. Last week, the u/s tech started worrying b/c she couldn't find my left ovary. I don't have a left ovary. It was removed in January.

I've decided to not live the next two weeks in TTC Land. I have to use progesterone suppositories, but I'm not going to worry about what I'm eating and/or drinking. I've been so good about not having alcohol, artificial sweeteners, caffeine, soft cheeses, processed meats, etc. during every two week wait and it hasn't made a difference-except to stress me out. Although, I'm avoiding caffeine and artificial sweeteners for health reasons, I'm not going to worry about the rest. I mean, how many women get knocked up and don't know it for more than two weeks and drink like lushes and eat whatever they want? I'm going to be one of them.

My beta is on October 12.

One More Thing

What is up with all the women bringing their kids to their RE appointments and lab work? I know seeing the children should give me hope, maybe some of them were conceived with help from the RE, blah, blah, blah. All that happens for me when I see the woman with the twin stroller rolling into the waiting room is that I'm reminded of what I don't have. It's like me walking into a clinic for the visually impaired and going on and on about the beautiful sunrise I just saw. There was a couple waiting to get their blood drawn and she kept making googly eyes at the twins and smiling. I could tell that they were new to the RE, probably there together to have their virals drawn before beginning their treatment. They definitely didn't just find out from the clueless u/s tech that their second IVF is down the drain. I am so past the point of looking at other people's kids at the RE and thinking they're cute. It just hurts.

More of the Same

So it's been a while since I checked in last-like 6 months or so. What's happened in that time? My FSH level has tanked. I"ve had a failed clomid/IUI cycle, a failed injects/IUI cycle, and a failed IVF cycle. And yesterday I found out that my second IVF has to be converted to an IUI because one follie took the lead and took over. The IUI is scheduled for Friday.

It will be IUI#6 and I was sure I wouldn't do another. I knew the cycle would be converted after my ultrasound on Wednesday when the tech told me I had a 21mm follie and a 12 mm follie. She said cheerily that the 21mm grew from 17mm the day before and is definitely the dominant follicle. Obviously, she didn't read the notes that said I was doing an IVF cycle or she wouldn't have been so cheerful. Having a dominant follicle is very bad in an IVF cycle because it means the other follicles will stop growing. You want to have as many follicles as possible for IVF. So I wasn't surprised when my RE called me personally on Wednesday night. She said I could choose IUI or to just cancel. I was going to cancel until she told me that she has had several patients get pregnant after converting to IUI from IVF. Now I feel like I have to do the IUI because I'll wonder if I blew my chance for a BFP if I don't. This all sucks so much! I was all set to be positive about this IVF and now I'm trying really hard to be positive about a procedure that's already failed us 5 times. Oh well, I guess the sixth time is the charm. Or something like that. . .

Crazy on Clomid

I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know if it's the clomid or just an accumulation of the stress of the last few months. It took everything I had to get through this week at work. All I could think about was ttc, clomid, and FSH levels. Then on my way to visiting my niece's today I saw a couple walking on the sidewalk, pushing a baby carriage, with their two older children riding scooters ahead of them. I burst into tears. Something about that image hit me hard. I realized that will never be me. I'll be lucky to have one child, never mind three. I mean, I'll treasure the one I get but I always pictured myself with more. It's so hard to let go of some dreams. It's not like I ever had that family, but I still feel like I lost it. I feel like I'm grieving. This had got to be the clomid. Maybe this means it working.

Clomid Challenge

I wish that for once things could be easy. I began this week all excited to start a clomid IUI cycle. I went for my bloodwork on Monday and waited for the RE to call and give me the go ahead. She called, or rather her nurse did. It turns out that my FSH level is now borderline. So my clomid/IUI cycle has become a Clomid Challenge cycle. By next Monday, I'll have a better idea if I have a diminished ovarian reserve and if we need to get more aggressive in our approach. So I'm back to waiting.

Waiting to O

Last week I had my follow up visit with my RE and left feeling really positive. We decided I'll start clomid for my next cycle to see if that helps us. We'll trigger and do an IUI. I'll finally be on the juice. I just need to call when AF starts so we can get everything going. Great, we have a plan. . .

Except that I can't seem to finish this cycle. It's CD15 and there's no sign that I'm going to ovulate anytime soon. Mind you, I've always O'ed between CD10 and CD13, in all my cycles of charting. Granted, it's my first full cyle after having my ovary removed, but the remaining ovary was supposed to kick in. That's what my RE says happens-the one that's left takes over. I guess mine didn't get the memo that it's job description had changed. I was really sick last week when I would have normally O'ed, so I'm hoping that it's just delayed and it will happen by the end of the week. Until then I'm constantly peeing on OPKs in the hope to see a dark line and I'm waiting. . .