I had already been dreading Mother's Day for a year and started dreading it even more once I realized that my beta for my last IVF cycle would take place a couple of days before it. I guess I really didn't expect a BFP and I wondered how I would get through the day. Last year was really bad. I was facing our first IVF cycle and I couldn't believe we had got to that point. I had been so sure we would get pregnant before then. I mean, damn my RE actually had me do a couple of natural IUIs because she thought we would get pregnant easily, too. It was just a matter of timing. Then every month my prognosis got progressively worse. . .a cyst, a bigger cyst, suspicion of an endometrioma, a lap, a nasty benign tumor, an ovary removed, elevated FSH, poor response, possible DOR, definite DOR, and so on. And now this Mother's Day, I would either be pregnant from our last IVF or done with trying to conceive a biological child.
On Thursday we got the word that IVF#4 had failed and now we're officially done with TTC. But this Mother's Day was not nearly as bad as I expected. I don't really understand why. Maybe it's because I know with certainty that adoption is our path. There's no more "maybe I could be," "I hope I will be," "could it be?" I'm done with hoping for a biological child. There will not be a pregnancy, but there will be a child. I'm sure of it now. Perhaps moving forward down the path less-traveled is better than being stuck in one place.
My mother gave me a card for Mother's Day. It told how special I am to her. Then she wrote that she knows DH and I will be great parents, and that when we adopt our child she and my family will be ready to welcome our child into their hearts and their homes. The card made me cry, but in a good way. This is actually the best Mother's Day I've had in years. May next year be even better.