Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day

I had already been dreading Mother's Day for a year and started dreading it even more once I realized that my beta for my last IVF cycle would take place a couple of days before it.  I guess I really didn't expect a BFP and I wondered how I would get through the day.  Last year was really bad.  I was facing our first IVF cycle and I couldn't believe we had got to that point.  I had been so sure we would get pregnant before then.  I mean, damn my RE actually had me do a couple of natural IUIs because she thought we would get pregnant easily, too.  It was just a matter of timing.  Then every month my prognosis got progressively worse. . .a cyst, a bigger cyst, suspicion of an endometrioma, a lap, a nasty benign tumor, an ovary removed, elevated FSH, poor response, possible DOR, definite DOR, and so on.  And now this Mother's Day, I would either be pregnant from our last IVF or done with trying to conceive a biological child.  

On Thursday we got the word that IVF#4 had failed and now we're officially done with TTC. But this Mother's Day was not nearly as bad as I expected.  I don't really understand why.  Maybe it's because I know with certainty that adoption is our path.  There's no more "maybe I could be," "I hope I will be," "could it be?"  I'm done with hoping for a biological child.  There will not be a pregnancy, but there will be a child.  I'm sure of it now.  Perhaps moving forward down the path less-traveled is better than being stuck in one place. 

My mother gave me a card for Mother's Day.  It told how special I am to her. Then she wrote that she knows DH and I will be great parents, and that when we adopt our child she and my family will be ready to welcome our child into their hearts and their homes.  The card made me cry, but in a good way.  This is actually the best Mother's Day I've had in years.  May next year be even better.  
  

7 comments:

Lost in Space said...

Karen, I am glad you are finding some peace with moving forward. I think your next Mother's Day will be your best yet.

What a sweet card from your mom. (:

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry, Karen. I am glad you are at peace with moving forward on a different path. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Your mom is so wonderful, but I'm sure you already knew that. XOXO

On My Mind 24/7 said...

I just stopped over from Lost and Found. I only wish I had half the strength you do. It must take so much to come to terms with it. Your blogs are so beautifully written. Adoption is a very close possibility for us also, we can only afford one more treatment after this one. I hope you find great joy in adoption, you will be a mother!

soapchick said...

I'm so sorry, but I am confident that someday you will be a mother.

Super O said...

I'm so sorry for all your losses. It takes a lot of courage to say you are going to move on. For now, try to take time to grieve this loss. When you are ready, you can go to the next step. Sounds like your heart needs some TLC first. (((hugs)))

B said...

I am sorry for this unsuccessful cycle. It hits hard.

May you find some peace in your decision.

Searching said...

Praying for peace in your heart as you shift paths slightly. I hope your little one finds your arms quickly.