Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Pill

Did I mention that I'm back on the pill? With so many women in the IF blogosphere trying so hard to get pregnant, it feels sacrilegious for me to say that I have eliminated all chance of that surprise miracle pregnancy that is destined to come to us because we're adopting-you know, that pregnancy that everyone mentions when I share our adoption news. They can't just say congratulations; they have to say, "Now you just know what's going to happen. . ." because everyone knows you can't really be happy as a mom until you've had "one of your own." I apologize for the rant, but the half-congratulations and unfriendly adoption language have been getting to me lately.

Anyway, I've been back on the pill for two months. I struggled with the decision. Our chances of getting pregnant on our own are far less than 1%, but it was hard to take away that possibility, especially since adoption has increased our chances **rolling eyes**. But after I stopped treatment, my body had a major meltdown. Over the summer, during every cycle my cramps started a week and a half before my period and were really bad. Accompanying the cramps was some pretty yucky nausea, which sometimes caused me to lose my breakfast but mostly caused me to lie in bed with a pillow over my head taking deep "don't throw up, don't throw up" breaths. Both the cramps and the nausea continued into my period and, to top it all off, my period was heavier than it's been in a long time. It's always been on the heavy side so you can imagine what these post-infertility treatment periods were like. It was like going back in time to when I was 13, the age at which I went on the pill for the first time due to debilitating cramps (yes, I do wonder if being on the pill at such a young age has anything to do with my infertility). This summer it was as though my body was regressing back to those days. I wonder if it had something to do with my body making one final push toward menopause. I already have Diminished Ovarian Reserve. Maybe the true end of my fertility is closer than I realized.

My gynecologist said it was probably the endometriosis coming back. I don't necessarily agree because the endo they found during my lap in 2006 was light and certainly hadn't been there since I was a teenager. I think it more likely that I just have a f*@&ed up body. She suggested the pill or the IUD, but said with the pill I could come off it more easily if I ever wanted to. She gave me a prescription so I could fill it when I was ready. I resisted until I started back to work after summer vacation and realized how much more miserable the cramps and nausea are when dealing with 20 six-year-olds.

I finally threw in the towel last month. . .and it's been a blessed relief. I'm not in pain. I'm not nauseous. I don't have to go to to stock up on tampons anymore. I feel better than I have in a while. I don't know what it means that I feel better with fake hormones coursing through my body than I do in my natural state, except that, as I said earlier, I have a f*@&ed up body. It's been a relief mentally as well. There's no wondering if I could be pregnant, no "I'm not trying, but I'm still hoping" 2ww, no overanalysis of PMS symptoms. I feel more free than I have at anytime since we started trying. I have control over my body, specifically my fertility now. I may not be pregnant this cycle, but this time it's my choice. I know this choice is just an illusion, but I'll gladly take the illusion of control over reality right now.


Lost in Space said...

I'm sorry about all the crappy comments from people, Karen. People just can't fully grasp things outside of their normal so they say stupid things to give "hope" - to who this hope is for I'm not sure.

I'm glad you are feeling better back on the pill and that the cramps and nausea are under control. I have those kind of periods a couple times a year and can't imagine having them every month.

I'm sure it wasn't easy to start taking those pills after all you have been through, but yet a sense of relief all the same. Many hugs.

WaterBishop said...

I can't imagine how frustrating the adoption-pg comments must be.

The Pill sounds like a relief. I have toyed with the idea every now and then. I wish I had some answers. For me the nausea is the worst. Pain I can handle, but the trow=up feeling drives me crazy.
I am glad you feel better now.

Wendy said...

I know exactly what you mean about the comments people make when you tell them you're adopting. I got the same thing twice last week. One of the comments was from my hair stylist who knows what we've been through - her comment had to do with getting pg now that we'll be more relaxed since we're adopting. What????

I'm glad the pill is helping you. I hope it continues to help.

Mrs. Shoes said...

You do what you need to do for your body and mind and if the pill helps that, then good for you for taking it. I am sorry that people are ignornat and insensitive and make stupid comments about adoption. it drives me nuts. I have heard quite a few comments and it really grates given that my husband is adopted.

Me said...

Love the new layout!!!

I'm totally the same as you. I went on the pill at 14... for cramps. And I was on it for about 12 years. When I came off I my cycle lengthened to 30+ days - which is what it was pre-pill. So I thought that was just my version of "normal". And maybe it was. I say was because now, 3+ years off the BC, my cycles are FUBAR. In the last 8 months I've had about 6 cycles, all ranging from about 45 to 60 days. And my periods are only about one and a half days long. And my max flow is actually pretty light (at least in comparison to my uber-fertile sister who actually had to change her tampon every 4 hours as compared to me barely needing to every 12). Oh yeah, and my one day of flow - I have cramps from he!!. Seriously. Sometimes they're so bad I have to skip work and stay home in bed not moving. I have never had any sings of endo though so I have no clue why the horrible pain - just lucky I guess? As a consequence of all this I've seriously thought about going back on the pill. I haven't yet. For precisely the reason you stated. But I haven't put the topic to bed though either.

Barb said...

I used to have really awful periods too, and certainly don't have endo. It used to completely puzzle my RE b/c endo is always his response to painful, heavy periods. The only thing he could come up with was that the hormone imbalances caused it (DUH), and that high prostoglandins play a huge role in painful periods.

Don't blame yourself. The fact that you had such awful periods to begin with did not bode well for your fertility. We make the best decisions we can.