Belonging

Several weeks ago I attended an adoption conference.  It's held annually and is the largest one in New England. DH and I went last year when we were in the middle of our final IVF cycle.  We were hedging our bets, I guess.  While at the conference last year, I listened to a voicemail from one of my best friends  and learned that she got a BFP on her second month of trying.  When we had attended her wedding seven months prior, we had been preparing to start our second IVF. This year, she was at home playing with her five month old (he was born early but healthy) while I, still childless, attended workshops about legal risk adoption and post-adoption adjustment, hoping that they'd be relevant for me sooner rather than later.  

Last year at the conference, I felt like a faker.  In all honesty, we went but we were hoping not to be those people, hoping to avoid the world of adoption, hoping this last cycle would be the one that worked so we could become parents the way we'd always dreamed.  This year was different. This year, I felt like part of the family.  This year, I looked around me and thought, "Almost all of these people have been where I've been." I live in a state with mandated coverage for infertility treatments, including IVF. Almost everyone who is infertile goes through treatments. Most people who move on to adoption in my state have been through the IVF wringer.  They've gone through the hell of infertility and, instead of coming out the other side with a baby like so many, they've come out with empty arms and broken hearts.  They've had to resolve themselves to not having a biological child, to never being pregnant, and then had to decide what to do next. They've had to face the failure. . . and then somehow keep moving forward.  For those  at the conference, the way to move forward is adoption. I am one of them now.   For the first time in a long time, I stood within a group of people and felt like I belonged. 

One workshop I attended was called When Couples Disagree.  DH and I signed up for it because we worry he worries that we'll disagree when we're offered a placement: I'll say yes to any situation while he's more cautious about what we can handle.  The session was facilitated by counselors who specialize in adoption and are also both adoptive parents.   In the group, there were current adoptive parents who disagreed about how much background to disclose to their children, waiting couples like us who were concerned about disagreeing about a referral, couples who disagreed about which adoption route to pursue, and couples who disagreed about whether to pursue adoption or live childfree.  It was quite a diverse mix.  

The conversation got pretty intense at times. The session only lasted a little over an hour, but it ran the gamut from tears, to laughter, to anger. I've never been part of a group who were so honest about their emotions so quickly. Much of the conversation revolved around infertility and its aftermath. There was a lot of talk about the scars infertility left behind-the anger, the bitterness, the grief, the fear that nothing will work out, not even adoption.  It was comforting to hear adoptive parents talk about how it will get better, how it's all worth it in the end because they can't imagine themselves with any child but the one they have.  It is a gift to be with people who understand you without needing to explain yourself--who have walked your path, long before you even knew such a path existed, and who give you only hope for the future. 

Approved!

Our homestudy has been approved!  Woohoo!!!!!!

A friend's pain

My friend B of No Regrets just got a negative beta on her final IVF cycle.  I've been there, and I know how much comfort the kind words of others gave to me during that time.  Please go over and give her some love. 

Thanks for nothing

MEMORANDUM

TO: My Boss

FROM: Your infertile employee who has worked her ass off for you for the last 10 years

RE: Denial of paid leave

I just wanted to say thank you for your recent letter denying my request for paid adoption leave.

Thank you for pointing out that I will not be giving birth, which means I won't be "sick," which explains why you won't allow me to use any of my 110 sick days when I bring our child home, unlike every employee who has a child the "natural" way. I appreciate your archaic point of view that a woman who gives birth is disabled and needs to take 8 weeks of sick days to recover, as opposed to you granting her paid time to take care of and bond with her child.  I personally know of several women who were out running errands within a week of leaving the hospital, but I guess they were still "disabled."  

I will try to remember that I am not pregnant so I will have no morning sickness, no fear of fifth disease, no doctor to "write me out." I will also have no labor from which to recover. I will be transitioning a child into our home who has experienced trauma, but that is not the same as pregnancy or childbirth and certainly not worthy of the same amount of paid time off. . .or any paid time off.  Thank you for reminding me that building your family through pregnancy and adoption are completely unrelated and that one is clearly less than the other.

Thank you for informing me that DH and I had better start figuring out how we're going to live on one income for a few months. I appreciate you adding in financial stress to all the other stress that adoption brings with it.  Did you know that less than 1% of all employees will need adoption leave? It's not like it's going to break you. By the way, how much did it cost for those team-building sweatshirts that you gave everyone at the start of the year? I bet it's less than it would cost you for my substitute. If I get people to dig them out from the back of their closets and give them back, will you let me have a few sick days?

Thank you for making me feel even more isolated and resentful because of my lack of fertility. I will try to not to think about how much paid time several women with whom I work have taken off  due to their pregnancies alone.  And I'm not talking reasonable time off, I'm talking milking it for all it's worth and leaving others to pick up the slack.  I will try not to point out that, in addition to using an extraordinary number of sick days during pregnancy, each of those women also took her full 40 sick day allotment after the baby was born.  I will try to refrain from calculating how much all that time has cost the district in comparison to my simple request. 

Thank your for making me feel like I'm an idiot by requesting that you to use the discretion that I know is at your disposal to grant me some sick days.  I understand your desire to ignore that discretion and stick to the letter of the contract. In the same way, I am sure you will understand when I use my discretion to stick to the contract in the future. I'm not talking about in my classroom because I will never compromise there. But all the extra time I've spent making life easier for the administration suddenly seems like an exercise in masochism.  What a fool I was to think that going above and beyond would count for something!  I have accumulated 11o sick days because I often came to school when I felt unwell.  When I had my ovary removed, I came back at the earliest possible time even though I felt like crap.  I didn't take whole days for any of my IUIs.  I didn't stay home after ER or ET.  Thank you for teaching me a lesson about what you really value.  Now I know.

Thanks for everything.  Thanks for nothing.

Respectfully yours,

K

Update: Homestudy

I got in touch with our social worker today.  He made an appointment to get together with DH and me next week on Thursday to go over the draft of the homestudy.  He said my part was easy.  DH's part was "interesting" and took a little longer. I didn't pass that bit of information on to DH.  When we meet next week, our social worker will ask any questions he still has and make any changes we request.  Then we'll be done with the homestudy and ready to wait.  

How Old Are You?

I just wanted to quickly share something that happened today.  I don't know if I've said it before, but I'm a first grade teacher.  I was sitting next to one of my little guys this morning working with him on his writing when the following exchange occurred.

First Grader (looks up at me and, completely unrelated to the topic at hand, says):  Do you have a daughter?

Me: A daughter?  No.  Why do you ask that?

First Grader:  I don't know. Do you have kids?

Me: No, not yet.

First Grader: You don't have kids yet?  You mean you're not married!

All the other little faces at the table turn toward me and a chorus of "Mrs. One Good Egg, you're not married?" starts.  

Me:  Well, yes, I'm married. That's why I'm called Mrs.. I talk about Mr. One Good Egg all the time, remember.

First Grader (in a tone that could be characterized as disbelief):  But you don't have kids, yet? How old are you then?

This is immediately followed by several guesses from the peanut gallery, some flattering, most not so flattering. 

Me: Hey, hey, hey.  Alright now, enough of that.  Let's just get back to our writing, OK?   

So even in the minds of my first graders I'm an old, married, childless failure.  Fantastic!

*I should mention that I really do talk about my husband and the rest of my family all the time. You'd think if I had a kid that I might have mentioned him or her before now.   It just goes to show how egocentric six-year olds can be that this little guy obviously never noticed.  In spite of, or maybe because of, their egocentricity six-year olds are the coolest kids ever.  And in spite of, or maybe because of, exchanges like the one above I do love my job.  

Better

The past few days have been better.  Thank you to everyone who talked me off the ledge.  I appreciate the comforting words.  I was glad to hear that my DH is not the first to have this kind of freak-out. 

The very good news is that he followed through and saw the counselor on Friday.  He felt good about the appointment.  He came home and told me that he was surprised to hear that he's not extremely messed up-that his fears and anxieties are normal.  Uh. . .yeah. . .that's what I said when he started all of this.  I guess he just needed to hear it from someone else.  As it stands right now, I'm going to call on Monday to make an appointment with the same counselor.  After the counselor sees me one on one, he's going to see us both together.  I was worried at first that this guy wouldn't have much understanding of infertility. Then I found out that DH got his name from a friend who, along with his wife, dealt with IF for years.  They both highly recommended him.  

DH and I have agreed that we'll keep plugging along with the homestudy while this is going on. He said he really does want to be a dad, but he really doesn't want to be the kind of dad his father was to him.  He wants to know how to keep that from happening.  I don't think there's a chance of that happening because he is nowhere close to the person his father is.  However, I think DH needs to figure that out for himself.  Hopefully this process will help him do that.