I swear this isn't like me. I'm not a hateful person. But I'm sending anti-BFP vibes out right now. . .and they're directed toward someone who did IVF. I know, I know, that seems pretty evil, but there's a story behind it and if anyone deserves to feel the pain of a failed IVF, it's this woman. Let's call her B. Don't worry, this isn't a member of our blogging community. She's a friend of a friend and she said the meanest thing anyone has ever said about me and DH and our struggle to have children. When told by my friend that it was taking us a long time to get pregnant and that we were doing IVF (apparently as some kind of cautionary tale when B. was sure she was pregnant three days after ovulating during her first cycle TTC), B. said, "Maybe they just aren't meant to have kids." When asked to clarify, B. said, "They aren't meant to be parents, obviously. It's not working out for them, probably because they won't be good at it. God must be trying to tell them that."
Honestly, I wasn't a huge fan of B. before. I knew her through my friend and have spent time with her over the years at various functions. I always found her to be self-absorbed and superficial. So probably it probably wasn't a conversation that should have been shared with me in the first place. But the second I heard it, I knew it was accurate (it sounds just like B.) and I felt hate in my heart for this woman. Hate is a strong word, but there's no doubt that's what I felt. I actually hoped that she would have trouble conceiving, just so she could feel some of the pain DH and I felt. I thought it might educate her, help her grow as a person, and at least stop her from ever saying something like that again.
Well, it turns out that the Universe has some sense of justice because B. did have trouble getting pregnant. I kept track of her through my friend. I will admit that I felt a small sense of satisfaction whenever I heard that she still wasn't pregnant. After a year of trying, she made the trip to the RE that all of us have made and found out they have male factor IF. I wrote "they", but that's not how B. viewed it. She made sure everyone knew it was "him" that was the problem and that she was "fine." I would not have wanted to be in her DH's place when they got the diagnosis. They ended up doing IVF. Her ER was on November 23 and her ET was on November 26.
And now I hear from my friend that B. is pregnant with twins. I don't know how she could have a BFP so soon-9 dpER-or possibly know it's twins. I guess it's possible that she could have POAS and got a positive, but I suspect it may be a case of B. "just knowing" that she's pregnant. Even so, I wouldn't be surprised if she is. I will be so disappointed. I knew she had a decent chance doing IVF/ICSI with no female issues at all if she got some good eggs, but I wanted her to hurt just a little bit more. I wanted her to wonder if God was trying to tell her something. I wanted her to not get what she wants, to not feel vindicated, for just a little bit longer. IVF#2 would have been good enough (OK that's probably a lie. It wouldn't have been good enough but it would have been better than IVF#1).
I've wondered why I feel so strongly about B. and why her words cause me such pain, especially now when I've given up on the possibility of getting pregnant. I've asked myself if B.'s words hurt so much because I believe they have some truth to them, but that's honestly not the case. I don't believe God is keeping us from getting pregnant or trying to tell us that we aren't meant to be parents. I think it's just that I've never had someone say something so plainly mean about me with such a sense of superiority attached to it. I've encountered lots of ignorance during this journey, but I've never encountered such complete ugliness of heart.
And now I have that ugliness in my own heart and I'm not proud of it. In fact, I'm slightly, maybe more than slightly, ashamed of myself. I don't particularly like the person I am or the feelings I have when I think of B.. I've thought of myself as a fairly forgiving person, but I cannot seem to let go of B.'s words. I probably should hope that she is pregnant because it might help me to move on. As a matter of fact, a BFP for B. would probably be the best thing for me right now.
But you guys will have to wish for it because I. Just. Can't. Do. It.
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7 comments:
No. Way. She's clearly on the "Awesome Bitch" side along with my evil ex-coworker and my SIL. Which puts me staunchly on the "Fuck Her!!!" side.
((HUGS))
I understand exactly what you are talking about and I have had those same feelings, multiple times. They aren't particularly pretty feelings, but I think it is very brave and good of you to write about them. Maybe the act of putting pen (finger) to paper (keyboard) is the catharsis you need to let these feelings run their course and go.
It's times like these though that you wonder if there is any fairness in the world. Whenever I have these feelings, I try - emphasis on try, not succeed - to remember that this individual, no matter how much they don't appear to have gotten that which I have not, may have had some terrible, horrible, gruesome experiences in their life and deserve this little bit of happiness.
Of course, that's a lot harder when they say stupid, self-centered, malicious things that only hurt other people.
Go ahead and have these feelings. Let them run their course and then remember that you would probably not want to be her - a callous, self-centered, superficial, ungrateful, biyotch - who happens to be pregnant.
Hugs. And a glass of wine (not whine).
I agree with Mrs. X, let yourself actually feel these feelings. If you try to block them, they just get stronger and stronger. Yes, it doesn't feel good to hate, but we can't all be Marry F'n Sunshine ALL the time!
Hugs to you!
-D
I have no words for someone like her. It truly makes me wonder why these things always seem so unfair.
I am sorry you have to go through this.
I can't do it either. What a self-centered egotistical bitch. Seriously, who gave her the direct link to God to know what he is trying to tell anyone!?!
There is no way she can know she is pregnant with twins at 5dp3dt, and it probably isn't very likely she could even know if it worked at that point. I think she is just doing the PUPO thing with 2 transferred embryos.
Don't feel bad or ashamed one bit. I am right on the same train of thought. As the saying goes, "If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me." (;
I would feel exactly the same way you do about that woman. As for wishing for a BFP for her - I can't do it either. ICK. Sad to think that if/when she does have kids she'll likely be raising it/them to be hateful, uncaring people just like her.
You can't feel bad for hating people like that. As long as you feel a tinge of guilt for your own negative emotions you're only being human.
It's a fair bet that if that's the sort of way she conducts herself then there will be people far closer to her than you who will like her even less.
There is a special irony here though.
Whether someone gives birth or adopts, their children learn more from their actions as parents after birth than they do before. (You no doubt know of the nature/nurture debate).
For this woman, whether she is pregnant or not and eventually adopts, she will raise children who learn from her own conceit, superficiality and spite. The children we raise as part of our families are a reflection of the lessons we teach and the people we are - they can be nothing less. If she IS pregnant all it will do is remove her excuse of "at least they weren't mine" when her brats treat her with the sort of callous disregard she showed you.
Contrast that with the child who (fingers crossed) is the subject of a future phonecall to your home. Unknowing of the lessons they are to learn or the nature of the two people they will one day call Mum and Dad and by whose lives their own will be shaped.
They will learn your compassion, empathy and love. They will have no higher aspiration than to meet your hopes for them. You in turn will get to see those lessons born out in your own family and for the rest of your lives get to appreciate the people you helped make.
For you that's undoubtedly a blessing.
Pregnant or not, it's a curse for "b".
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