Wednesday, June 24, 2009

How Easy It Is

Isn't it always the way that when you think you're doing fine, something happens to knock you back a little?  Well, it feels that way to me anyway.  I've been doing really well.  The hellish, baby mega-shower/goodbye party turned out to be not so hellish and not so mega.  Two of the moms-to-be didn't come, there was lots of good food and good drink, and the focus ended up being more on my friend who is leaving than on the baby part.  Even a pregnancy announcement earlier in the week from yet another coworker (I kid you not-apparently I work in Fertility, USA) couldn't break me.

Until tonight, when I saw an update on Facebook from another former coworker, now a SAHM who occasionally substitutes at our school,  about her baby bump.   I suspected she was pregnant, but nobody actually told me. In fact, several people denied it so I figured my instincts were off.  Maybe I wanted to be wrong.  You see, this is #2 for her.  It's also # 2 for another one of the pregnant coworkers, due in September.  Besides being pregnant with a second child, the other thing the two of them have in common is that they both got married the same month I did.  We planned our weddings together, talking over lunch about dresses and flowers and honeymoon locations.  Our anniversaries are weeks apart.  In fact, we all have four-year anniversaries coming up next month. . . and they're both, BOTH, on their way to having their second child while I'm still waiting for our first. 

It's at times like these when I feel like there's something damaged inside me, something that I keep pretty well hidden. And then an unexpected pregnancy announcement from a particular person happens, hits the tender spot,  all the pain comes up again, and I can't keep hiding it.    I'm revealed to myself for the wreck that I am. 

I'm just so tired of it all.

14 comments:

RB said...

I totally hear ya. These "surprise" pregnancy announcements are a kick in the gut. (hugs)

Mrs.X said...

Just when you think you have managed the beast, it comes back to bite you. I have had those days - so sorry that you are having them too. Hugs.

Cindy Nguyen said...

Those announcements are so so brutal. Hugs to you.

Jamie said...

I know how you feel!!!!! I tried to explain this to my mom to no avail. I think she thought I was insane. JUST when you think "I might be OK." Something happens. SOmeone else announces their third pregnancy announcement or something to bring it all crashing down at one time.

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry sweetie! I think it's good that you're emotions are bubbling to the surface, though. I know they hurt, but if you get them out of the way, you don't have to hide them.
Sending much love and peace your way, hon.
*HUGS*

G & H said...

I feel ya bigtime on that...today too I just feel so tired from it all and then I got a devotion in my inbox that reminded me how God never quits and never tires and HE IS ALWAYS THERE they devotion owrded it better but it totally helped me remember how strong HE is when I am so weak

Claudia said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to read this. I know just what you mean - the worst ones come on the days when you think ' hey, Im FINE, actually!' and then - kapow. This is reason #1 why I just CANNOT handle facebook - all the pregnancy announcements and ultrasound pics. No, thank you.

I hope this week gets better for you...

Thandi said...

You've reminded me of the survivor's guilt I feel when I'm in a mall or at church because I was there. It was only almost 2 years but it was hell and I felt the same feelings you are feeling now.So now when I'm in the store,I think"There must be someone who is going through the same heartache, do they look at me and feel sad?" I don't want to make people sad.And I end up feeling guilty and sad. I'm praying for you.

Anita said...

*hugs*

Yoka said...

I totally hear you. I felt that way, too with all of our friends being pregnant, all the lonely anniversaries... I have a especially hard time with the second pregnancy announcement. Big hugs to you.

Me said...

Our 4 year anniversary is in August. We may not have babies but we have each other. I luvs you lady!

Lost in Space said...

Huge hugs, Karen. I'm sorry it is like this. I don't know why it is that certain things just sting and send us back so much.

I survived a social work "meeting" on Friday with a pregnant coworker and new mom present. Of course the topic of conversation went to both of them. "Do you know what you're having?" "Are your parents excited?" "You should have brought pictures of your daughter." etc. etc. I expected it all and rolled with the punches. When someone started in on "age" though, I had to get up and walk away. If they know how old I really am, the baby-age questions will follow. Oddest thing to sink me, but it is what it is.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm hoping that sore spot scars over a little more soon. These parts just really suck.

Sorry I've been underground for awhile and that your match didn't work out this time. Hoping and wishing that the next one is the perfect fit for you both and that it happens soon. Hugs.

Barb said...

Lots of hugs.

Wendy said...

I'm sorry, Karen. It's so hard to get all those pregnancy announcements. It's been quite a year for them, all around.

Hope you are doing okay.