Until tonight, when I saw an update on Facebook from another former coworker, now a SAHM who occasionally substitutes at our school, about her baby bump. I suspected she was pregnant, but nobody actually told me. In fact, several people denied it so I figured my instincts were off. Maybe I wanted to be wrong. You see, this is #2 for her. It's also # 2 for another one of the pregnant coworkers, due in September. Besides being pregnant with a second child, the other thing the two of them have in common is that they both got married the same month I did. We planned our weddings together, talking over lunch about dresses and flowers and honeymoon locations. Our anniversaries are weeks apart. In fact, we all have four-year anniversaries coming up next month. . . and they're both, BOTH, on their way to having their second child while I'm still waiting for our first.
It's at times like these when I feel like there's something damaged inside me, something that I keep pretty well hidden. And then an unexpected pregnancy announcement from a particular person happens, hits the tender spot, all the pain comes up again, and I can't keep hiding it. I'm revealed to myself for the wreck that I am.
I'm just so tired of it all.