Saturday, April 25, 2009

Useless Calculations

Why did I bother figuring out all of this?   Maybe it's seeing women who started the IVF process with me contemplate when to start working on Baby #2.  Maybe it's because there have been times recently on a couple of message boards I frequent when a woman has posted about her child's first birthday or taking his first steps, and I've thought, "Wait.  I remember when she announced her BFP.  How can her child be that old already?"  Maybe it's a friend telling me that I have no clue how much having a child is going to change my life. I thought, "Have you totally forgotten how long I've been waiting for that change? Where have you been for the last four years? I'm looking forward to it, even if it is overwhelming!" Maybe it's simply because I've never been pregnant/never will be pregnant and this is my only chance to use a due date calculator. Here are some of my almost-but-not-quite due dates.

If our first cycle trying had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on May 10, 2006 and be the mother of an almost 3 year old. 

If our first IUI had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on July 6, 2007 and be the mother of an almost 2 year old. 

If our first injectable IUI cycle had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on January 19, 2008 and be the mother of a 15 month old. 

If IVF#1 had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on  May 19, 2008 and be the mother of a 10 1/2 month old. 

If IVF/IUI #2 had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on July 4, 2008 and be the mother of a 9 month old

If IVF/IUI#3 had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on September 23, 2008 and be the mother of a 6 1/2 month old. 

If IVF#4 had ended with a BFP and a healthy baby, I would have been due on January 30, 2009 and be the mother of a 2 1/2 month old.  

In some ways, IVF seems like ages ago and in some ways it feels like yesterday.  The baby updates from successful cycling buddies remind me that it wasn't just yesterday.  

I am so ready to stop standing in place while everyone else around me keeps moving forward. ***

***I know there are lots of ways to move forward, and that through adoption we are moving forward with our dream of becoming parents, blah, blah, blah.  Just let me indulge in some self-pity tonight.  I realized today that it was exactly a year ago that I had my final egg retrieval and we got one measly egg.  Even after 3 failed IVFs, I was naive/delusional enough to think that that poor sad little lonely egg might do the trick.  Even when I began to fear that IVF#4 didn't work, it never crossed my mind that one year later we would still be childless.  


RB said...

Lots of hugs! The should-have-beens are hard to deal with. A little self-pity never hurt anyone. Indulge all you need to :)

Beautiful Mess said...

You're entitled to some "self pity". No matter what you're feeling, you've got lots of friends here to support you. I'm sending you an extra BIG hug! Oh and a glass of wine and chocolate. Those are my go to things when I'm having my moment.

Anonymous said...

Ooh, this made things interesting for me. The Husband and I started trying way back in July 2001. If we had gotten pregnant that first time out of the gate, we would have had a kid with almost the identical birthday of my son that I adopted (who was 5 when he came home). How is that for irony? Your kid is out there...just waiting for you. I hope you don't have to wait much longer to get to them.

Natalie said...

You know, there will be plenty of time for moving forward and finding peace. But there is a lot to be said for just feeling like crap for right now. Sometimes it's what we need. It's a shitty journey, and you deserve to just vent without a disclaimer, you know? *hugs*

Wendy said...

Lots of hugs from me, too, Karen. Sorry it's so hard. I've thought about the timing of things a lot lately, too, especially because two friends who also did IVF just had their babies. If we had gotten pg during our IVF we would have had our baby recently, too.

I'm sending some wine and chocolate your way, too! I'll join your party...

Wendy said...

Just stopping by again...thinking of you. Hope you're doing okay.

Anonymous said...

Don't beat yourself up Karen. We all do that to ourselves. Take all the time you need. We will be right here with ya!

Allison said...

Yeah - the kids' ages smack me in the face too. I think - how could that be right? One of my IRL friends got her BFP the same day I did my first transfer for IVF. She said "yay! We'll be pregnant together!" So now I get to be reminded of what could have been every year on his birthday.

I don't think you are having a pity party. I think you are grieving and that is okay.

I hope your child finds his or her way to you soon!

Barb said...

I totally understand. We're all entitled to indulge in that from time to time.

And the last word verification I had was Taina! Weird huh?

Anita said...

One big hug for you!
We adopted our son almost 1 1/2 years ago.
I still think about where we "could have been" in regards to children that might have been whenever I see friends & family with the children who would have been the same ages as "ours".
It's perfectly normal to wonder about it & I am hoping that your prayers will be answered soon!

Me said...

I do this too. And I too have my Evil Ex-Coworker's nearly 2.5 year old little reminder to help me remind me if I forget. :(