Monday, August 4, 2008

Body Hate

So I can't deny any longer that I'm fat.  Very fat.  I'm not "need to be lifted out of my bed with a crane, Richard Simmons is my friend" fat, but I am "shop at Lane Bryant, turn sideways through the turnstile" fat.  It's not a total surprise because I've been fat before, but I thought I never would be again.  I used to hate my body, but I got worried about my health when my parents were both diagnosed with Type II diabetes. Worried enough that I made a change.  I started cooking and eating nutritious food and skiing and kayaking and running.  My body was strong and healthy and I liked it that way.  Heck, I loved it that way.

Then I started TTC and my body turned on me.  Ironically it looked healthy but it was actually messed up inside.  So now I guess I've turned on my body.  It's defective and isn't worthy of health.  I know that's not a rational way to think about it, but I also know that's the way I feel deep down. In the past, I was able to work out and change my eating habits to get my body healthy.  I know how to do it and I know I'm capable of doing it.  But somehow it's not worth the effort now.  

Intellectually, I know that I need to make it worth the effort, but I'm not sure how to deal with the emotional piece.  I don't have any answers.  I'm just hoping that writing about it will help me sort out the pieces.  

8 comments:

Shelby said...

This is interesting that you posted this as I also just posted an entry on my blog on this very topic just a handful of minutes before I visited here.

I have long struggled with my weight and like you, feel less motivation to take care of a body that has for so long betrayed me. The only thing pushing me forward (and I say this after only a day of rejoining my efforts towards being healthy) is that weight is something I can control, IF is not. I need to feel like I have some sort of say in what my body does and I think this is the only way I can do that.

Even with that being said, weight loss is like anything else. You have to be ready before you can jump head first into it. I always like to consider it as a gift to myself. Maybe your heart isn't ready to give it, but it will be, one day.

Barb said...

Lots of hugs Karen. It's not easy.

Shinejil said...

I'm with Shelby: Give your feelings time to evolve. You'll be ready to take the plunge again and pursue this goal like nobody's business.

Or just start slow, one step at a time, doing something you enjoy but that also makes you feel healthy (one good meal a week, one walk after dinner).

We feel broken in IF. I know do. But it's a feeling, not a fact.

Sending love your way.

Lost in Space said...

Our bodies seem to betray us in IF and I think we in turn want to get back at them. I am dealing with this "take it out on my non-working body" thing too. The emotional part is the most difficult part of getting and staying healthy. I think when we deal with this, the rest seems to follow. One step at a time. Sort away here all you need. (hugs)

Deborah said...

One step at a time. Sometimes it just so darn overwhelming to think about it all, especially when you have to deal with some many emotional aspects. Having dealt with and continuing to deal with being a healthy weight, I will say that I often feel better emotionally when I am taking better care of myself.

Please know that you are not alone in this battle.

Wendy said...

I tagged you on my blog....

Wendy said...

Weight has been an issue for me, too. I weigh so much more now than I did before we started ttc.

I don't know what the answer is other than to try one day at a time. You are definitely not alone.

WaterBishop said...

Sometimes I think it is because we are all just so darn tired. We go through so much with IF, that it is too exhausting to 'do the right thing' and take care of ourselves.