Sunday, February 24, 2008

If the shades don't fit. . .

Yesterday DH and I went on a mission to buy new shades for our bedroom. The blinds we have aren't room darkening and it's been driving DH crazy. He often works nights and sleeps during the day so it is an issue. When he has to sleep during the day he usually ends up sleeping downstairs in our family room where it's pretty cave-like. I dutifully did my measurements before we went. I measured in 3 places, both vertically and horizontally. I checked and rechecked so we wouldn't end up with room darkening shades that don't cover the whole window. We went to our local home store where I had the shades cut with confidence. I was such a smarty that I even remembered to grab the hardware needed to put up the shades. No return trips for me!

Of course, you can guess what happened when we got home. DH went to put up the shades while I folded laundry. When he called my name I knew something was wrong. There he was trying to make the shade fit into the bracket. Now, DH is not the most handy guy so I figured that he probably just put the bracket on backwards or something cutely inept like that. It turns out that there's not enough clearance between the window and the edge of the window frame to fit shades. Apparently that's why the previous owner had blinds and why the blinds stuck out a bit further than usual. It wasn't a huge shock since our house has never been an easy one when it comes to measurements. The previous owner did some funky stuff in an effort to keep costs down and most of it was shit work.

What was a total shock was my reaction to the little snafu. I lost it, completely and totally lost it. I mean total sobbing self-pity: "All I want is shades in my bedroom. Is that to much to ask? I guess I can't have shades like everyone else. I have to have stupid ill-fitting blinds that I hate. I don't want blinds. I want shades. Why can't I just get what I want?" Then I got mad, yelling at DH about our stupid house and how nothing ever works right: "Why can't we have a normal house and go to the home store like normal people and buy things off the shelves without having to special order them and paying a freakin' fortune? Why is it always so much trouble? Why can't I just decide I want shades and get them and put them up like everyone else does G-d damn it?"

I was a wreck for a good part of the evening. I just wanted to walk out of my house, my life, my own skin. I couldn't stand any of it anymore. So I did what anyone would do. . . I cleaned like crazy. Then at one point, I went for a drive to get my drink of choice when I fall off the wagon-Diet Coke. We don't keep it in the house because I'll start mainlining it before too long if I have access to it. On my way to Cumbies, I fantasized about not stopping. I thought maybe I could drive north to where we go camping during the summer. I just so badly wanted to be in a different place and time. I didn't keep driving because I pictured DH at home and worried about me. I do love that man and don't want to hurt him so I headed for home, with my Diet Coke by my side of course. I got my fix and then I went to bed.

When I woke up this morning, the storm had passed. I feel so much better, except for the lingering sense of shame and embarrassment. Obviously my overreaction was was about my infertility and not about a rotten window shade. I've decided that I need to place a call to my clinic's counselor tomorrow. I think it would be wise to talk with someone about my feelings as we stare down the barrel of our last IVF and plan to jump from the IF roller coaster to the adoption roller coaster. I certainly can't hurt. Goodness knows it would be pretty hard for me to get any crazier than I was last night.

I told DH that the window shade, silly as it sounds, is a symbol for my life right now. I'm still longing for normalcy, for fertility, for a child that doesn't involve medication, insurance battles, paperwork, or major debt. I want it to be easy, but that's not my life. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be like everyone else's life seems to be. Sometimes you can't get what you want, how you want it. Sometimes you have to learn to love blinds.


Daisy said...

Amen to that sister! I could have written that myself. (((HUGS)))

WaterBishop said...

I think most of us have had that symbolic episode where we went off the deep end for a moment.

Freyja said...

I've said things similar to my husband (and myself) so many times. Everyone else I know has a job and goes to work and gets a paycheck and has a cute little house in the burbs and pops out babies.. bing, bang boom. Not us though. I own a buisness that either runs me ragged or else makes me wonder if I'm going to have an income next month. We moved from a 100 year old house that was falling down in a neighborhood with shootings a block away to a 40 year old house with a leaky room and shootings a mile away. My husband has no foot and no job.. and on and on and on and on... And eventually my husband looks at me and says "Are you done yet" and I hang my head in shame and mutter "I know" and life goes on.. just as it was before, imperfectly and not satsifying... but going on none-the-less. I have many hugs in my heart for you. Someday if I ever see you in person I'll try to give them to you.

Much love.

journey to junior said...

this all totally makes sense to me. ((HUGS)) i just wish i could make it better. for you. for me. for all of us.