It didn't work

I got my period last night.  I'm going to call my RE and ask if I really need to go in for the beta on Wednesday.  I know she'll say yes just to confirm for their records that I'm not pg.  Oh, well.  I wasn't expecting much out of this cycle anyway, right? 

How do you know?

After my RE's DE talk, I've been thinking more about adoption. I signed us up for an adoption information session in mid-January. I also have a consult for a second opinion with another RE in mid-January, so I'm not ready to amove to adoption quite yet. I'd like to give IVF another try with a different clinic. I just keep asking myself how long I'm going to keep going. We have two friends who did 7 IVFs. They both got pg on #7. DH is stuck on that number, but both women had different issues than I do. They were able to grow follies and make it to ER every time. Both had poor egg quality and PGD was the answer for them. I probably have crappy egg quality too, but I can't even make it to ER, never mind having enough eggs to do PGD.

If we did international adoption from Guatemala or Vietnam, we could have a baby, likely under a year old, in a year to 18 months. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could see whether IVF will work for us. I hate to waste the time and energy and then still have to wait through the adoption timeline. The thing is that the longer this goes on, the less I care about whether I have a biological child. I just want to be a mom. Of course, I still cry watching A Baby Story, thinking I'll never get to experience that. I guess I'm all mixed up. How do you know when it's time to move on?

Hope springs eternal. . .

or as I like to think of it: she's a stubborn bitch. The chance of me being pregnant from IUI#7 after 6 unsuccessful ones, at my age with my FSH level., is minuscule. It's such a long shot. I know this. I'm expecting to get my period before my beta, as usual. I'm expecting that my appointment with my RE will be to discuss why another cycle failed. I'm expecting to keep my appointment with my new RE to discuss doing IVF again. I even had a glass of wine on Christmas Eve because I AM NOT PREGNANT. Then that tease, Hope, came back from the dead. I got crampy on 7dpo and what was my first thought? Not it's just my usual pre-AF twinges. Or it's a side-effect of the progesterone suppositories. Nooo. My first thought was maybe it's implantation cramping. For a moment, I pictured DH and I looking at two pink lines. What do I have to do to keep that bitch down?

I feel better already

I called today and made an appointment for a second opinion at another clinic. I go on January 15. I also called my current clinic and requested my records. I feel so much better already. The new doctor may recommend DE like my current RE, but I just feel more in control of the whole situation. I really liked the nurse. She gave me the number for her her direct line and she actually answered the phone both times when I called. At my current place, I pretty much always get voicemail and need to wait to be called back. I'm planning to schedule an appointment for a third opinion as well. Why not?

Unfair

My friend lost her baby today. Like me, she had an IVF converted to IUI. She got pregnant on IVF#2. I was rooting so hard for her during IVF#2 because it looked like her follies weren't developing quickly enough and she might have to convert again. I was so relieved when she made it to transfer and thrilled when she got her BFP. Now, it's over. It's all just so unfair.

Say what!?

I got a call from my RE this morning to talk about what happened to my cycle. She didn't have much in the way of explanations. She said we just don't know much about ovarian function and egg development. Then she brought up the idea of donor eggs. Yikes! That was not what I was expecting to hear. I got a little emotional. I just didn't think I was at that point yet. I made an appointment to discuss donor eggs with her if the IUI doesn't work out. I also emailed to schedule an appointment with another clinic. I need more opinions. I thought my RE would at least suggest trying the long lupron protocol which didn't work badly for IVF#1. I need to try that again before giving up on my own eggs.

If it does turn out I can't have a biological child, I'm not sure if I would use donor eggs. Even with insurance, there's a significant cost and I can't help but think we'd be better off putting the money toward adoption. I guess the new year will be full of decisions. Unless of course this IUI works. . .ha, ha, ha, ha.

Lucky #7

It's official. I just got the call that I need to convert to an IUI. It's scheduled for Tuesday. It was a nurse who called, not my RE, which I'm slightly pissed about. I know it's Sunday, but I've been seeing her for almost a year and a half, she's the one who removed my ovary, and she's the one who told me she's never seen this happen two cycles in a row. WTF?

Now I need to pretend like I think IUI#7 will work for us because God forbid I have a negative attitude. That might doom the cycle. I seriously don't think I can keep doing this.

Damn it

DH and I drove through a snowstorm today to get to my u/s and b/w appointment. It didn't go as well as I'd hoped (that is such an understatement). I have 2 follies now, a 20 and a 13. That's it. It looks like the 20 has become a lead follie and shut the others down. Again. I'm expecting my RE to call, or maybe the nurse since it's a Sunday, to advise me to convert to an IUI. Again.

When this happened last time, she assured me that it rarely happens twice. As a matter of fact, she said she's never had it happen two times in a row to a patient. I seem to beat the odds on a regular basis lately. I feel like I should play the lottery.

I was so hopeful on Thursday. I imagined getting 6 or 7 eggs at ER. I just knew this IVF was going to work. Damn it!

Quick Update: Slow and Steady

Slow and steady is my goal. I had my second follie check today. I now have 3 measurable follies: 10, 11.5, and 12.5. And I have 4 more under 10. My E2 went up to 260. I go back on Sunday for another check. I'm hoping the little four keep growing and the other stay close in size to each other. No lead follies, thank you. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll make it to ER this time with at least as many eggs as with IVF#1 and hopefully of better quality.

First Follie Check

I just got a message from the nurse about my u/s and b/w today. I'm progressing very slowly. I have 5 follies under 10mm on my right ovary. My E2 is 65. Basically I have nothing worthwhile at this point. My RE wants me to continue the lupron and follistim twice a day until Thursday when I go in for another b/w and u/s. I guess 5 unmeasurable follies is better than IVF#2 when I had one big one that was jumping into the lead right about now. It looks like we might have a blizzard here on Thursday morning-just my luck.

Oh, and I just found out that another woman I work with is pregnant. She's the one who, less than a year ago, said she never wanted to have one of those dirty things (a baby) in her house. Then she got a puppy and her maternal instinct kicked in. She's due in June. She told one of my close friends who then told me because she wanted me to have a heads up before the pg woman makes the big announcement at lunch. I'm going to practice smiling tonight.

Worry, worry, worry

Lupron is evil! I thought that since I was on the microdose version that I might not have the side effects I had for IVF#1, but instead they just took longer to hit. I get major dizziness and nausea from lupron It's kind of like being seasick. Luckily, it only last for a few days and it's pretty much over now. Unfortunately, it hit right when I had 20 progress reports due that I'd put off until the last minute. I finished them just in the nick of time. I only hope they make some sense to the parents and aren't totally loopy.

I've been having major anxiety for the past few days. I had been doing really well until then. I was taking things as they come and trying not to stress too much. All of the sudden, my mind has been racing away and I've been getting that knots in my stomach feeling. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a panic attack. Of course, it's all displaced anxiety. I'm not worrying about the IVF right now. I'm worrying about my DH and something happening to him-getting hurt by a bad guy at work or being in a car accident or just slipping on the ice. I'm worried about my mom. My best friend's mom passed away a few weeks ago and I think that's made me worry about my own mom's health. My mom is one of my best friends and she's an anchor for me. I can't imagine life without her. She keeps me sane.

The anxiety is getting to be a bit much and I hope it stops soon. I'd rather worry about the number of follies I have and my E2 level. I'm used to that. I have my first follie check on Monday so I'm sure the anxiety will refocus on my ovary soon enough.