Saturday, December 19, 2009


I attended a family party this evening and many of my extended family members met L for the first time.  My cousin was the first one to see us.  Our conversation went like this:

Cousin: Congratulations! How is motherhood?

Me: It's amazing.  I love it.

Cousin: Is it what you expected it to be?

Me: It's more than I expected.  DH and I are so happy.  L is just the coolest little guy ever.

Cousin: Well, you're lucky you didn't get him when he was at the baby-baby stage.

Me: (stunned silence)

Cousin:  At least you didn't have to deal with the not sleeping and stuff.

Me: (still stunned) Oh, I was lucky?

Cousin: So how does he sleep?

Me: (answering her questions but asking myself did she just basically say I was lucky that I didn't have a newborn, didn't get pregnant, didn't get L when he was younger.  WTF did she just say?)

I do know that I'm lucky, not for the reasons my cousin thinks.  I can't imagine being a mother to any child but L.  I LOVE him.  He is an amazing, joy-filled little boy.  I am lucky that he found his way into our home. But seriously, why would you tell someone who struggled with infertility that she's lucky she never had to deal with a newborn?  That's just clueless. I wish I could have raised L from birth.  I wish I had been the one comforting him when he was new to the world.  I wish I'd been there for his first smile, his first giggle, his first taste of blueberries (his favorite), his first birthday. I would have gladly given up some sleep if it meant I could have had L in my life sooner. But that wasn't how it worked out and I accept that.  We're so happy now. But seriously, how clueless can you be?*

Oh, and she had her first baby via IVF.  Uh, huh.**  

* I know her ignorant comment has more to do with her own struggles with motherhood than my situation, but still. . .

**But her second was an oops, so maybe that wiped out her sensitivity to those with infertility?


Anonymous said...

Ugh. I can usually understand where people are coming from when they make stupid comments like that - most people really are clueless about what it's like to go through IF, and most people don't really care to take the time to try to understand. But. Seriously? Why can't people learn to *think* before they open their mouths? Especially someone who has at least somewhat "been there". Ugh.

btw - I love hearing you talk about how you can't imagine having any child other than L - it gives me hope that someday I'll get there too.

Natalie said...

OMG. I really don't think that one is very excusable. How is missing out on a part of your child's life somehow lucky in ANY state of mind?? I hate people who say shit like that, it makes me flaming angry.

Barb said...

Yup. I agree. I think I'd feel the same way.. adoption, conception, whatever, I'd want my child from day one if possible.

You are lucky to have found the little man you're meant to be with, but other than that, that comment is ridiculous.

I, too, love hearing your stories. I love that you're so in love with your child. :) It makes me very excited for mine.

Fran said...

No no, really no excuses for the cousin. And she even went through IVF!! I think this is just another case of "I know it all and you don't". Of course you are lucky, with respect to those who are still longing for a child of any age, but in my scale of "luckyness" a I would rank her luckier than you, then of course there are those lucky ones via IUI, then those with just a few months of trying and on top of it all those pregnant at the first thought of wanting a baby. Big hugs and enjoy your Christmas with your family. Much love, Fran

Me said...

I hate people.

TXMom2B said...

She might have just been trying to be nice. Too bad that kind of comment is NOT HELPFUL. Some people are well-meaning but just insensitive. I have a friend like that. She's said some unbelievable stuff at the worst possible time. Sigh.

Lost in Space said...

Yes, how horrible for a woman who fought for years to have a child to have to go through the "baby-baby" stage with her child. I'd like to say "unbelievable", but we both know that it isn't.

Sorry, Karen...Stupid people really suck.