Monday, May 18, 2009

Mind Tricks

I was at the copy machine the other day (I really don't spend an excessive amount of time copying, despite appearances to the contrary. It was my turn to copy homework for the week). I was looking around, zoning out because copying is boring, when I saw one of my former students working in his classroom. I noticed how much he's changed in only three years, and I started thinking about former students who are even older. I thought about times when I've run into them and didn't recognize some of them. Some look exactly the same but bigger, while others look entirely different than when I had them in first grade. Many are shaving and their voices have changed. Some are even driving, which is a trip because in my mind's eye they're still trying to figure out how to tie their own shoes.

For some reason, I started imagining my own (someday) son as a teenager, wondering what he would look like, about how it would feel to hug a nearly-grown man while remembering when he could fit in my lap. I wondered if the student I was seeing in his classroom at that moment looked like a combination of his mom and dad. I pictured his parents and decided he did look exactly like that. My mind turned to our child and I wondered again what our (someday) son would look like. I hoped that he would look like my handsome DH. I pictured DH's face in the photos I've seen of him as a teenager and then pictured that face on the nearly-grown man that would be my son.

Suddenly all such thinking screeched to a halt when one part of my mind caught up with the other. I realized that our son won't look like DH or some combination of DH and me. We're adopting so our son will look like some mix of his birthparents, not us. How could I have forgotten that? I could only laugh a little at myself. I think I actually said, "Duh!" out loud. It's not a word I use often but it seemed to fit the moment.  It's amazing the tricks your mind can play on you. Maybe it was just the copy machine-one more reason to stay away from it . . .


Thandi said...

And that's just the start.I've read a few blogs where the (adoptive)mother starts seeing resemblance between herself and the child only to have to remind herself...I like it though-it shows me the strong bond that any 'kind' of mother can have with the child they love.

Barb said...

Karen - Makin' cooopies. Remember that? ;-)

Anyway, I can see how that happens easily. Maybe this is a good sign that you'll transition well into adoption and will really think of him (you're going for a boy?) as your beloved son.

For the first time ever, I've recently had the joy of being able to observe someone I see regularly and like being an adoptive mom to two beautiful boys. And now adoption doesn't scare me as much. We still would like to adopt our second child if this works out, but now it seems more joyous and less nerve wracking than it did for me before. You always hear those stories about how people say adoptive kids look like their parents b/c of mannerisms and such, but she truly does get that all the time. And they are beautiful, wonderful boys. She got them at 3 and 5. She said the first 4 mos were hell as the poor things had no structure or good support (even with foster mom) and didn't know how to play really, would horde food, and the little one had gotten the most attention and had turned demanding and loud, while the big one was insecure because of neglect. But with firm rules and lots of love, it's amazing to see the family they have become.

Sorry. I just love their story and had to share it.

I also wanted to say that you are a very sweet girl for your support. Thanks. xo

Me said...

Ah but we pick up a lot from our environment and I bet your (someday) son will wear your DH's expressions on his face and live out his physical mannerisms. Enough that when you're old and gray and watching them at Christmas time you'll notice it and point it out to your (someday) daughter so that the two of you can laugh together.

Parenthood For Me said...

Thank you for commenting on my post. The loss of the biological connection and the ability to picture what your child will look like doesn't go away easily. Our son is beautiful in all ways and i marvel at his genetics. He had 2 special biological parents to create this child. I still think about what our biological child would look like but it doesn't hurt as much. Ofcoarse there is a small chance I could become pregnant but it isn't likely. Our son is a dream come true. It might be a different dream from the original but at this point I am grateful we received the answer tot his dream b/c otherwise he wouldn't be our son.

Wendy said...

Just wanted to say hi - hope you are doing okay.