Oops!

I just started a new private blog.  I'm the only subscriber. It's basically an online journal about what our little guy is doing.  I don't want to forget any of these amazing moments.  Apparently I need a little more practice managing two blogs because the post that published here last night was meant for the other one. That's why it's gone today.  Oops!

R, L's biological mother, has been on my mind a lot lately. Sometimes I look at L and I feel such sadness for R, for her abusive childhood, for the choices she made as an adult, for how her life ended. R was not a bad person. She was just not capable of parenting for many reasons, especially given her relationship situation. I don't want to get into details, but trust me when I state that she was simply not capable.

I keep thinking about her in the hospital after giving birth to L. I have his hospital bassinet card, thanks to his awesome adoption worker. It has BF/F written on it. I'm interpreting that as meaning R was breastfeeding L and supplementing with formula. It touches me for some reason that she wanted to breastfeed him. She probably got the chance to try while she was in the hospital after her delivery. Did she think she would get to keep trying at home with L? Did she realize that she wouldn't get to leave the hospital with him? She must have had some idea because she was circumspect about her due date whenever L's brother's ongoing worker asked during monthly visits. R was getting prenatal care so she certainly knew when L was due. Did she buy a bassinet? Did she buy a going home outfit for him? Did she make plans, buy supplies, dream about having him home?

I'm sure she hoped the Department would give her a chance to parent L, even though her older son P, was already in care. However, L left the hospital with P's worker. Her signature is on his discharge papers. The home he went to was the foster home his brother had spent his first year in. I think about how L must have felt, being taken from the only mother he knew by a stranger and being handed to another stranger to be cared for. How confused he must have been. And I picture R leaving the hospital without her baby. I can only imagine how empty her arms must have felt.

I know the strangers were kind to him. I know the decision to remove L from R's care was the right one; he would not have been safe with R and J. I know that without these events happening L would not be our son.

But it's still all so very sad.

Paperwork, Photos, and Pack Rats

L's social worker, M, visited last week.  It's been a while and she was amazed by how much L has grown.  Now that he's coming up on 18 months, he looks so much more like a little boy than a baby.  Not to mention that he has started to walk!  He still has that just-got-off-the-horse-look when walking, but steps are steps. 

We love L's social worker.  She's very on top of things and has a gift for explaining a situation in a way that lets you know exactly where you stand.  The court is still waiting for L's biological father's death certificate from the Medical Examiner. They were told last week, by a reliable source, that it would be sent within the next two weeks.  Once the court receives the death certificate, it can issue a decree legally freeing the boys- L and his brother. When that's done, M will begin L's adoption paperwork.  We have our next meeting scheduled for the end of March.  At that point, she hopes to have the paperwork for us to sign and then she can submit it to the court for finalization dates.  The goal remains for us to finalize in June. L's brother's family hopes to finalize in March since he has already been with them for some time. 

I asked M about the possibility of getting photos of L from his first foster home where he lived until he was six months old.  The earliest photo I have of him is from when he was 11 months old. His second foster mothers weren't big picture takers. M was able to get us L's footprint and id bracelet from his hospital stay after his birth.  I know these are priceless treasures and we are so grateful to have them.  However, I would really like to have some early photos for his lifebook and for those rotten autobiography projects in elementary school. M is going to get me the address of the now-retired FM#1 so I can contact her.  FM#1 took care of L's brother for the first year of his life, until he was placed with his adoptive family, and I know she took lots of photos then.  L's brother's mom shared them with me last weekend when they visited.  I'm hoping FM#1 also took lots of pictures of L.  She has downsized and moved since taking care of L and my fear is that any photos might have been tossed.  I pray she's a pack rat. 

Foster Care Review Meeting

This is a boring update, but I hope it explains yet another part of the fost/adopt process.

Every six months, children in state custody are required to have a foster care review meeting. The purpose of the review is to discuss progress toward the child's goals.  In the case of L, his goal is permanence which means adoption by us.  It's usually suggested that preadoptive parents attend the meetings, but in our case L's social worker told us not to.  We had been told at our disclosure meeting for L that it would not be in anyone's interest for us to attend the foster care review meetings. L's brother's preadoptive parents had never attended.  L's biological father was always there and the social workers were convinced that he would become confrontational with us.  They thought things would get ugly. After J, L's biodad, died, the worker felt like there was no need to change things.  We emailed L's worker a narrative of how he was adjusting to our family. 

So the meeting came and went.  Last week we got a written report about the meeting.  Nothing in there was surprising  They continue to recommend permanence through adoption by us.  It was nice to see us referred to as L's forever family.  The report also said the plan is for us to finalize in June.  

I would love for us to finalize in June, but it's highly unlikely.  For reasons I don't understand the medical examiner has been very slow with issuing a death certificate for J, L's biological father. Until the death certificate is issued, the court can't terminate parental rights.  Until the court terminates parental rights, the adoption paperwork can't be submitted. We're hoping it happens soon, but we're not holding our breath. We just keep telling ourselves that it will happen eventually.  

Fortunately, Unfortunately, Fortunately*

Fortunately, I heard the word, "Mama" from L for the first time this morning.  Or at least the first time I was sure that it was actually Mama and not more, more, or something along those lines. 

Unfortunately,  he said it over and over as he was holding on to my leg, trying to keep me from leaving when I dropped him off at daycare this morning. 

Fortunately,  he loves our babysitter's children and they were able to distract him by getting out his breakfast bowl and getting him to bang his spoon around in it. When I left, he was all smiles.

Of course, he hasn't said Mama since.  

*I realized after I posted this that my "fortunately, unfortunately" reference is really obscure.  It's the children's book Fortunately, one of my many favorites. I had it in my head when I was thinking about the day.  

I Hate Fac.ebook

Posted on Fa.cebook by my clueless (formerly infertile??) cousin:

Next time, remind me not to have babies 15 months apart. 

Consider it done. 

Not So Bad

Thanks for the support!

Today wasn't awful after all.  I survived my first day back, in spite of my substitute not having done half of what I left and was kind of (very much) counting on her to do.  But it could have been much worse and I'll catch up. 

DH called his mother and she came to help out with L so DH didn't have to expose him too much to the awful stomach germ. We're still holding out hope that L's yucky diapers are due to teething and this stomach thing will bypass him.  MIL cooked a huge pot of chicken soup and she's a fantastic cook so that was a plus. Lunch for the rest of the week!

L remains happy despite his sour stomach and he's drinking and eating like himself.  He had fun with his grandmother and still remembered me when I got home, so not so bad.  

Tomorrow is the big drop off at the babysitters.  He'll go about 2-3 days per week.  The other days DH will have him.  Then in about 6 months, I'll be off for another 8 weeks or so and can spend all my time with L and DH.  

I'm luckier than many and am trying to count my blessings.